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303: Are You Practicing the Way You Actually Want to Practice? With Shane Birkel

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this solo episode, Shane poses the question: Are you practicing the way you actually want to practice? Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

  • Episode Summary & Player
  • Show Notes
  • The Couples Therapist Couch Summary
  • Transcript

The Couples Therapist Couch 303: Are You Practicing the Way You Actually Want to Practice? With Shane Birkel

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

Sign up for Shane’s 6-week live training program, Couples Therapy Intensives: The Blueprint, before it starts on October 27, 2026 here: https://cit.shanebirkel.com/blueprint

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new 

In this solo episode, Shane poses the question: Are you practicing the way you actually want to practice? Hear how to think outside the box when it comes to your couples therapy practice, why we should question the traditional couples therapy model, what your clients will think if you start offering intensives, the difference between competency & certainty when it comes to couples therapy, and how to get over what’s holding you back as a couples therapist.

Here's a small sample of what you'll hear in this episode:

  • The difference between competency & certainty
  • How Shane started doing intensives
  • When the question shifts from "could I do this?" to "am I someone who does this?"
  • Announcing Couples Therapy Intensives: The Blueprint
  • The anxious questions that come up when you start questioning the model

 

Show Notes

 

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00
I was really surprised with how many people were excited by the idea that they could come in and do a longer session.

00:11
The podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now, your host, Shane Birkel.

00:27
Hey everybody. Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel, and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

00:56
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. On Friday, I did a live training, the live webinar. Many of you may have got the messages about that on couples therapy intensives. I want to thank everyone who joined. It was really awesome. And I got to connect with people through the chat and things like that. But afterward I went back through

01:23
And I want to look at the questions people asked and something stood out. Most of them weren't really about whether longer sessions can work because, and I started thinking about that. think like when you've worked with couples before you understand that having more time is a good idea. And so, you know, I don't even think that, uh,

01:49
I need to spend a lot of time usually justifying the idea that this is going to be a helpful thing. There were questions like, what would I do for that long? Or how would I charge for it? Or how do I fit this into my week? Or am I trained enough? It got me thinking about a bigger question and one that isn't really about intensives at all, but how much of the way we

02:16
practice is based on what we believe is most helpful and how much is based on the way we learn therapy is supposed to look. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. And you know, I think, you know, we all go to grad school. We all get our hours. have political systems that are involved in deciding that it should be a 50 minute therapy session or something like that. And I think a lot of times it's set up this way.

02:46
to help politicians and insurance companies and entities like that to develop plans where they can say, okay, if you have anxiety, then you need 12 sessions every week for 15 minutes. And there's like a clear prescription. And that's just not the way humans work. You know, there's so many different situations and as therapists, you all know this, I'm probably preaching to the choir, but you know, and none of this is

03:15
bad necessarily. A lot of healing happens inside the 50 minute structure. But, most of us work that way. I still work that way a lot of the time, but I think we need to start thinking a little bit more outside the box, or at least I want to take this podcast episode to take a moment to take a step back and think more outside the box. Because, you know, just because

03:45
The picture looks consistent, right? A session is 50 minutes. It happens once a week, often at the same time every week. You charge by the session. You build a caseload of a certain size. All of these things. And again, like that's probably how most of us are going to work most of our lives and that's fine. But just for the sake of not staying stuck in a certain type of mindset, I'm trying to open up a bigger conversation.

04:15
Because somewhere along the way, a lot of us stopped asking, like, what is the most helpful way to work with this particular person or this particular couple in what they need as an individual? Right. And we start asking, how do I fit this person into the way therapy works or fit this couple into the way therapy works? And those are different questions and they can lead to different answers. And couples therapy in particular,

04:45
I think is where it jumps out to me that this is a situation that is worth looking at. And a lot of you know the setup. A couple comes in, activated, maybe they just had a fight as they were coming into the office. And you spend the first part of this session figuring out what happened. You slow things down. You help them feel safe, safe enough to actually talk.

05:14
And finally, something real comes up, something underneath the argument that's going to create a significant change for their life. And you look at the clock and there's only three minutes left. So, you know, you could do your best to contain what just opened up. You can help them settle, schedule the next appointment and send them back out into their lives. And the more I've been talking about this, the more I've been having one-on-one conversations with therapists.

05:43
I love having those one-on-one conversations with people, just asking about their practice, asking about their work with couples, things like that. And the more I've heard people say that they have a very, very hard time keeping couples therapy sessions to 50 minutes, that they're consistently going over the time because they have such a hard time with that. And I've been in that moment more times than I can count. At some point,

06:12
A question started to bother me. If I believe this couple needs more time right now, why is the length of my session being decided by some insurance company or politician instead of what I think is the most clinically useful? And you can't always predict, right? mean, part of this is just the logistics of setting up your own schedule for your life and your business and

06:41
You know, if you want to try to see a certain number of clients today and bring in a certain amount of income in a day, then we have to work in this way. We can't just, we can't just leave all of our time open-ended or, know, we could run the risk of creeping into other people's time that we've scheduled. So I do think it's important to have healthy boundaries around that. think there's something, there's a lot of work around boundaries and like,

07:09
helping our clients understand boundaries that we can work on by maintaining the time that we have. Like for example, like if I get to 50 minutes and I say, that's all the time we have for today, let's look at the schedule or whatever, you know, it might trigger a client and they might get upset and that I'm not saying that's always a bad thing that can lead to helpful conversations and understanding and important.

07:37
teaching to people about respect for boundaries and it can help people actually get more done in a shorter amount of time when they know that that's the case. So I'm not just speaking negative or I'm not saying, you you should just have an open-ended time. But I'm also not saying that longer is always better, but I'm just saying this is a question worth being allowed to ask. And once you let yourself ask it, you start to notice how many other things in your practice were decided by something.

08:05
other than your own clinical judgment, perhaps. For at least for me and for a lot of the therapists that I've been talking to, as soon as you start questioning the model, then you start thinking about a lot of different ideas and ways this can be set up. And along with the possibilities, there might be a little bit of anxiety that shows up as well, which questions like, am I allowed to do this? Will clients think it's strange? Will they pay for it?

08:33
What if I don't know what to do if I, like if I have more time, what if I don't know what to do? What will other therapists think? Do I need a different certification first? And I want to spend a little time on this because I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, right? It's easy to stay in the familiar model that's set out for us. And that's fine if that's what you think is the most helpful and that's the way you want to set up your practice. But for a lot of us,

09:03
we might want to start expanding into something different. That being said, these questions are legitimate. Ethics matter, your scope of practice matters, competence matters, your license and your supervision matter. And some people I've talked to are at associate level or provisionally licensed, and there's a whole other conversation with your supervisor and your.

09:27
or your board or a lawyer or licensing board, and I'm not a lawyer and I'm not your mental health board. So I can't tell you what your license allows. That being said, I also think screening matters, like which clients are appropriate for this kind of work, who might need something else first. Those are important clinical questions. But here's what I've noticed. A lot of questions that sound clinical are really more about confidence and permission.

09:57
Right. So I want to honor all those questions about licensure, about the ethics of this. But I also want to separate those into two different boxes. The other box is about the confidence and permission. Will clients think it's strange? That isn't a clinical question. What will other therapists think? That also isn't a clinical question. Am I allowed to practice differently from how I was taught?

10:28
That one sounds a little bit more like it's about the rules, but a lot of the time it's about permission. So here's something you can try. Take whatever fears come up when you imagine changing something about your practice and sort them into those two groups. One group is real limits, things about safety, competence, ethics, licensure, best practices for the clients we're working with. The other group is a question about confidence and permission.

10:56
So you can really err on the side of the first group, really look at it, but once you've sorted them, notice how much of the list actually lands in the second group. And I'll say this from what I've seen with the therapists I've trained, they're often not starting from zero. If you've been working with couples and you've had real training, you probably have a lot more skills than you think.

11:19
A lot of therapists go back into their practice and realize they can handle far more than they expected. Building a private practice can be challenging. Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days and access enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers.

11:49
They also handle all of the paperwork from eligibility checks to claim submissions and guarantee payment within two weeks of each appointment. Plus, when you join Alma, you'll get access to time-saving tools for intakes, scheduling, treatment plans, progress notes, and more in their included platform. Alma helps you spend less time on administrative work and more time offering great care to your clients. Visit helloalma.com or click the link in the show notes to learn more.

12:19
I want to talk about something that I think sits right at the center of all this, which is the difference between competency and certainty. You don't need to know exactly what's going to happen before you'll begin something new. That's true well beyond intensives. Think back to the first couple you ever treated or your first affair case, your first high conflict couple, the first time you used a particular model after you learned it. You weren't certain.

12:47
You were prepared, hopefully, and hopefully you consulted with someone. I would encourage all of you to do that, to get some sort of supervision, at least peer supervision, to get a lot of education. And you showed up. And the competence matters, but we're not always certain what we're going to see with the people we're working with.

13:11
Right. And a lot of times we respond to the uncertainty by saying, I just need one more training. I just need one more certification. Once I know enough, then I'll do it. I teach training. So take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, but there's a difference between being responsibly prepared and postponing something indefinitely because you want to feel competency first or like completely sure of yourself first.

13:38
So preparing sounds like this. Here's a specific thing I need to learn. Here's who I can learn it from. And here's when I'm going to do it. Right? So I think all of you should take training in couples therapy. I think all of you should talk to peer supervision groups, possibly get experienced supervisors. But there's another thing, even if you're getting all of that,

14:06
where we end up feeling like.

14:10
Someday I'll be ready to do this particular kind of work. So here's a test. Can you name exactly what you're waiting to learn? If you can, go learn it. That's the preparation. If you can't, it might be worth asking whether waiting is about knowledge or really about the nerves. I mean, it's sort of like if you want to get certified in emotionally focused therapy. I mean, I think most of you have heard of emotionally focused therapy.

14:39
It's a really good couples therapy model. And it's like, you could have the mindset like once I get certified in emotionally focused therapy, then I can feel competent to work with couples. But the reality is most people who are doing that training have already gone to graduate school, have already gone through tons of supervision to get licensed, have already done lots of other trainings and

15:06
they're already working with couples as they're going through the process. Actually, I think it's required that you're working with couples. If you want to become certified, you have to have case examples that you're working with in order to get the certification. So there's even the recognition within teaching models like that, that you're going to be working with couples before you arrive at the end.

15:30
So as far as like doing something like intensives, for example, you don't have to announce to your clients that you're starting tomorrow, that you only do six hour sessions or something like that. But changing how you practice doesn't have to be dramatic. It can happen in small increments. You could even look at it like experiments if you want, but maybe you offer a two hour session to a couple who's in the middle of a crisis. Maybe you recommend.

15:58
a hundred minute session to certain couples instead of two separate 50 minute sessions. And you know, when you start to do that, you can keep the pricing very simple. You know, you just charge double what you would for a 50 minute session in that case. Maybe you start reserving one Friday morning a month where that time is for a little bit longer sessions that you start to offer people. You know, maybe you change

16:25
the email that you send back the first time someone reaches out to you for couples therapy, maybe you change what you're saying in response to let them know that longer sessions could be really helpful for their situation. So, so I'm just sort of making some suggestions as far as like, if you have come to the conclusion that you're being held back by some of that fear, what would it be like?

16:54
to step into this reality just a little bit and try it out. And I can tell you how it started for me when I first realized I needed longer sessions. My kids were little and they didn't have a lot of activities on the weekends at that point. So every Saturday morning I started opening up eight to noon for a couple. You know, my schedule on Monday through Friday was really full.

17:22
And my kids did need a lot during the weekdays, but because of my wife's schedule on the weekend and because of the fact that I could be done at noon on a Saturday and I would still have the rest of the weekend with my family, I started just opening up that time and it wasn't a plan to change my entire practice. It was just a four hour block on a Saturday that happened to fit with my life. I didn't have a new identity. I didn't have a new website or a new business model. I just had one block of time.

17:52
for a couple who might need it. And I was really surprised with how many people were excited by the idea that they could come in and do a longer session. And it wasn't like five changes. was, you you could call it one, something that I could try, something that I could put into action pretty easily and simply. And that ended up growing into a change in my website, a change in my practice.

18:22
change into doing longer sessions more frequently. And today everyone who contacts me for couples therapy starts with a one day intensive pretty much. And I'm not even saying that's the right answer for every therapist, but it's the answer that came out of asking the question honestly from my own practice, what is the best way of working with people? And the clients feel better about it because they get more results and I feel better about it because I'm able to help clients.

18:51
in a deeper way than I could before. I know that after the webinar, you know, the response to Friday's webinar, that a lot of you are somewhere in that same process. And I'm just, I just want to give you a lot of encouragement. And what I've seen with the therapists I've trained is that the gap isn't usually knowledge. You know, they're interested, they believe in it, but there's a gap between being interested in offering intensives and actually taking the step to offer one.

19:20
or like communicating with the clients. And at some point the question changes. It stops being, could I offer intenses? And it becomes, am I someone who offers intenses? That might be a whole different conversation, but it has more to do with the identity. And the identity doesn't change because you decide it one day. It changes because you take one small action than another and then

19:51
the sense of yourself catches up. mean, that's true. Even, even if you always do 50 minute sessions for the rest of your life, that's totally fine. It could be an identity around stepping into the, to the identity of being a couples therapist, right? You start to work with couples, you start to get training, you start to believe in yourself more. That starts to reflect in what you're saying in your website and your emails and what you're putting out there.

20:20
the energy you're putting out into the world. I believe that's a real thing. And like your confidence level and you step into this identity of becoming a couples therapist. But there's a point at which, you know, many of you might be at a point where you're still feeling that hesitance. And again, if you need training, absolutely get the training. But I know if you're like me,

20:44
There are things that I've done in my life where I'm chasing like the next, I keep chasing the next training where it's like, I can be, someday I'll be a couples therapist once I finally get this training or someday I will be once I finally get this training. And I just encourage all of you to sort of evaluate where you are in that process, get the trainings, you know, talk to supervisors, talk to peer supervisors. I'm happy to set up a call with any of you.

21:13
to give you guidance and encouragement, but also don't let the fear hold you back from something when you're ready to step into it. and again, this is part of why I created the training and the training that is coming out in the next couple of weeks here is the Couples Therapy Intensives, the Blueprint. It's a six week live training for couples therapists online.

21:42
on Zoom. We'll meet on Tuesdays, October 27 through December 8 from three o'clock to five p.m. Eastern time. So that's six two hour session. I think we take we take the week of Thanksgiving off, but it should be six weeks where we each one two hours. So we'll have those 12 hours together. It covers the clinical side, like how to structure the arc of the intensive, create safety, understand what each partner really wants, work with the cycle.

22:12
use the four C's as the compass, handle highly activated moments. And there's a huge video library that goes along with that. The 12 hours is really just our time together. But it also covers the practical side, like what formats to offer, how to price it, how to respond to inquiries, how to screen, how to fit it into a caseload that you already have. And so if you're interested in that,

22:41
So you can set up a call with me. can click on the link for more information, but just to let you know that's coming out in the next couple of weeks. And also the enrollment includes six months of access to the couple's therapist center circle. So yeah, you also have that. You'll have, and that has live calls with me too for those six months. So that'll hopefully keep, I wanna give you plenty of time to get things going for yourself wherever you are in your practice.

23:10
So if you've been thinking about intensives for a while and you're ready to move from thinking about it to actually putting one on your calendar, I'd love to work with you. And again, the link is in the show notes. And if you want to talk about whether it's a good fit, you can book a 30 minute call with me, or if you just want to, like I said, you don't even have to have any desire to do the training at all. I just love talking to therapists if you want to book a 30 minute call, just to talk about your practice, ask any questions that you have.

23:40
I'm just happy to connect. So if you missed Friday's webinar, you can get the link to that as well. I'm sending all this stuff out in my newsletter. So hopefully you're getting those emails. If not, just reach out to me and I'll make sure you get all the information you need. But I hope all of you have a great rest of the week. You know, I just wish I just wish couples therapists the best. You're doing such important work for the world.

24:08
And the world need, if you are interested in doing couples therapy and you do have the training and background, you know, it's such important work. And as I always say, it's very different from doing individual work, but stay with it. I know it can feel challenging. I was just talking to someone who's been doing it for years and feeling like all of a sudden she doesn't know what she's doing anymore. And I know I've had those moments. I have those moments all the time, but you're doing important work for the world.

24:36
and I hope all of you have a great rest of the week. All right, thanks. Take care, everybody. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates. Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. Thank you again, everybody. This is Shane Birkel and this is The Couples Therapist Couch podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy.

25:06
I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everybody!

 

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