295: Why You Keep Reacting That Way and How to Stop with Shane Birkel

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this solo episode, Shane talks why you keep reacting that way and how to stop. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

• Episode Summary & Player
• Show Notes
• The Couples Therapist Couch Summary
• Transcript

The Couples Therapist Couch 295: Why You Keep Reacting That Way and How to Stop with Shane Birkel

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

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In this solo episode, Shane talks why you keep reacting that way and how to stop. Hear the difference between your authentic self & your unconscious programming, how our brain creates shortcuts & patterns to protect us, how to find the real Truth of your clients, how to help your clients understand where their feelings & actions are coming from, and how to help your clients come home to themselves.

 Here's a small sample of what you'll hear in this episode:

• What the authentic self actually is
• The ego in Eastern philosophy and meditation
• Authentic self vs. unconscious programming defined clearly
• What authentic anger sounds like
• The goal isn't to eliminate unconscious programming 

 

Show Notes

• 295: Why You Keep Reacting That Way and How to Stop with Shane Birkel
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more
• [0:28] The difference between your authentic self and your unconscious programming
• [1:23] Why we assume we're making conscious choices and why that assumption is usually wrong
• [2:24] How the brain forms shortcuts from early experience 
• [3:42] The nervous system's role: how perceived threat activates patterned responses and distorts lowercase-t truth
• [4:41] What the authentic self actually is
• [5:12] The dog story: two people, one objective reality, two completely different internal truths
• [7:39] When lowercase-t truth becomes shaming and how that disconnects partners from each other
• [9:31] Presenting your personal reality as capital-T truth, which minimizes your partner's experience
• [11:32] How one partner's fear of not being enough gets triggered by the other's anxiety
• [13:33] Authentic self vs. unconscious programming defined clearly
• [15:38] The ego in Eastern philosophy and meditation 
• [17:36] Watching thoughts like leaves on a stream, without judgment or blame
• [19:30] The people pleaser: kindness from love vs. kindness from fear, and the resentment that builds
• [21:49] This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more
• [22:47] The overachiever: meaningful drive vs. fear-driven performance, and what the family actually needs
• [25:15] Adults who feel like passengers in their own life are running old survival code
• [26:52] The angry partner: where healthy anger ends and protective walls begin
• [28:51] What authentic anger sounds like
• [30:49] The dinner party: two partners, two threat responses, and how both lose sight of what they actually want
• [33:18] Seeing your partner as a scared eight-year-old instead of a threat, and responding from your adult self
• [34:36] Don't weaponize this insight on your partner 
• [35:03] The goal isn't to eliminate unconscious programming 
• [36:27] Your adult self drives, your younger parts ride along 
• [37:31] What therapists are tracking beneath the surface 
• [38:55] What couples therapy is really for
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

  

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

 

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00
I don't want the kindness to go away. That is an authentic part of their personality, but I do want it not to be driven by fear.

00:12
to the Couples Therapist Couch, the podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now, your host, Shane Birkel.

00:28
Hey everybody, welcome back to the Couples Therapist's Couch. This is Shane Birkel and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

00:58
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit helloalma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. And today I want to talk about something that I think goes to the heart of a lot of what we're doing in therapy and specifically in couples therapy. And I want to talk about the difference between your authentic self and your unconscious programming.

01:23
This is something I've touched on in different ways across a lot of episodes, but today I want to approach it from a specific angle that I think will be really useful for how you think about the couples you're working with and maybe how you think about yourself in your own life. Most of us go through the world assuming that we're making conscious choices, that we're responding to what's happening around us based on clear thinking and accurate perception.

01:54
You know, when I came up with the four C's and I've been talking about the four C's, the first one is consciousness. And a lot of times people believe that they're living in consciousness in their healthy adult self when I don't think they actually are often, oftentimes. And I don't think I actually am a lot of the time when I think I am. But here's the thing, our brains have an enormous amount of data that they're working with at every moment.

02:24
And in order to manage all that information, our brain creates shortcuts or patterns or ways of interpreting reality quickly based on what we've experienced before. So those patterns don't form in a vacuum. They form in a specific environment, which is the family you grew up in, the experiences you had, the society you grew up in, the things that you were taught about the world, about relationships, about

02:52
things we're taught about ourselves. All of that becomes part of our unconscious programming. So as I'm walking through the world, sometimes you might think about this kind of example where you're just walking down the street and you sort of don't even remember what happened in the last five minutes. You're just sort of going through the world, unconsciously experiencing it. And like you're confident that you can handle whatever situation that comes up.

03:21
but it's sort of a shortcut for your brain so that you don't have to be fully aware and conscious all the time. And part of it is the nervous system responses that we bring to situations that we encounter as adults. So,

03:42
If your nervous system perceives that there's something that could be unsafe, then it has a strong response to that situation and your awareness becomes heightened. sometimes what we think is true with a lowercase T may or may not be true with a capital T. And so a big part of what we're doing in therapy is helping people return to the capital T truth, to their authentic reality.

04:12
And just a really quick explanation of what I mean by that is that actually I'm going to give you a full a fuller example in the next section. So I want to start with this idea that every human being is valuable and worthy. As adults, we're capable of dealing with the world of being loving and caring and connected. That's the truth of who we are at our core.

04:41
When we lose sight of that, we start operating from fear. And a lot of times that's connected to either creating safety or maintaining safety for ourselves or someone else, or for validating a part of our character if we feel like we're being misperceived. But a lot of that fear is coming from unconscious programming, the survival strategies that were formed in childhood that we're carrying into our adult lives without realizing it.

05:12
So let me get to the example, because I think this illustrates it really well. Imagine a person who never had dogs growing up. And not only that, at some point they were attacked by a dog at a friend's house. And maybe another time they were walking down the street and a dog came after them and bit onto their coat and knocked them over like they're a little kid.

05:40
So they've had these several frightening experiences with dogs and they haven't had the loving warm experience with having a dog to balance that out. And now imagine that their partner, let's say their husband or their wife grew up with dogs their whole life. Dogs were part of the family. They were friendly and loving. That person has nothing but warm positive associations with dogs.

06:10
So these two people get married and they're walking down the street together and someone is coming toward them walking their dog, let's it's a big dog, and they're coming straight at them. So the truth of the situation, this is where I want to explain truth. The objective reality is the same for both of them, we could say. The same dog is walking toward them on the same street.

06:42
But the truth with a lowercase T inside each of their minds might be very different. Their personal truth. What's happening inside each of those people is completely different. One person feels a wave of fear and their nervous system is activated. They want to cross to the other side of the street, basically run away from the danger. The other person feels nothing.

07:10
They may even feel like they're happy to see the dog. The dog may barely register in their mind. It may just feel like this is just a normal thing that's happening. They may feel like, want to be excited. I want to go up and try to pet the dog. So this is where it gets relational. The person who's afraid pulls their partner toward the other side of the street. That partner sees absolutely no reason for concern.

07:39
they might feel really frustrated. They were just having a nice walk, everything was fine, and now suddenly there's a problem. If that person is unconscious of what's happening, they might say something like, there's nothing to be afraid of. What's wrong? What's wrong with you? Now, depending on how... I think that if you're in a relationship or if you have been in a relationship, there's all kinds of situations like this that come up all the time. Where...

08:08
There are two different people with two different perceptions of reality or perceptions of truth about what's going on in the situation. And a lot of times it becomes shaming. I believe that my truth is true with a capital T, then it can become very shaming. it's coming across to my partner like something like, what's wrong with you that you don't see that this is a dangerous situation.

08:37
Or what's wrong with you that you don't see that there's nothing to be afraid of? It could happen on either side of this. That's where it becomes shaming toward the other person. I'm moving away from compassion for their reality and their perspective. And I'm moving away from understanding of what's going on in their reality. And the truth is, both perspectives actually have

09:06
some level of truth. It's probably wise to be thoughtful around dogs you don't know. mean, it's true that dogs can be dangerous or unpredictable. And it's also probably true that most dogs are friendly and not a threat. So both people are seeing a piece of the truth of the reality. Neither one is entirely wrong.

09:31
But when we're not being conscious of our own programming, when we don't realize that our reaction is shaped by our history rather than just what's happening in the present moment, we lose access to the nuance. We just react. We make up that our partner is wrong for seeing things differently. And so this is what we want to be really careful about. One, my own nervous system goes into feeling misunderstood or feeling

10:01
shamed by my partner or two that I'm becoming shaming of my partner. Sometimes I've been using this word, which is truthy, in my couples therapy sessions where someone will start to express what they think is their personal perspective or their personal truth. I'll say, it sounds like there's a little bit of truthiness to it, which means that they're taking

10:32
a way of communicating that feels like they're taking the high road, that they're more right than the other person. Like, oh, what do mean? There's nothing wrong with dogs. What's wrong with you for thinking that? So that's a truthy statement where they're sort of presenting their perspective and their reality as the full truth, which minimizes their partner's reality and makes their partner feel bad.

11:01
If you start to become aware of this, if you start to become conscious of this, you'll notice that we do it with our partners all the time. Because I feel better about my reality if I, the more I think it's actually the truth. So instead of saying, hey, that really hurt my feelings, a truthy statement might be, hey, you're being a jerk to me right now. Now there could be some truth to the idea that my partner is being a jerk, but

11:32
it's much more healthy or relational, let's say, to express something from the standpoint of, is my reality, this is my truth, this is my experience, this is how I'm feeling. Here's something that makes this even more interesting in a relational context. Let's say the partner who has no issue with dogs has their own thing going on. Let's say part of their identity

12:01
is being a people pleaser. Someone who feels responsible for making sure their partner is happy at all times. I'm saying all this to give you a few examples. People have different personalities and different character, and there's different ways this can play out.

12:20
So let's say this particular person is a people pleaser. They always want to make sure everyone else is happy. So when their partner gets anxious and upset, they don't just feel neutral about it. They start feeling like they failed somehow. Like, if she's not happy, that means I'm not doing enough. That means I'm not enough. So this is where it goes to the core themes of our own stuff. So now their partner's fear has triggered their shame.

12:52
So instead of moving into compassion and understanding for the other person's experience, they're overwhelmed by their own. And they might go into explaining why there's no actual problem, again, getting truthy, not because they're trying to be unkind, but because they're trying to manage their own fear of not being enough. This plays out all the time in couples therapy. Both people are being run by their unconscious programming. Both people are losing sight

13:21
of the truth of what's actually happening. They're making the situation worse without either of them realizing that it's happening.

13:33
So let me be more specific. Let's take another step back. Let me be more specific about what I mean when I talk about the authentic self versus the unconscious programming. Because I think the contrast is really important. The authentic self is the truest version of who you are. It's a part of you that's genuinely loving, caring, curious, connected. The part of you that knows

13:59
what you actually want and is capable of moving toward it in a respectful and honest way. It's empowered, feels confident. And some people would say that it's connected to the truth with a capital T. And the unconscious programming is this set of survival strategies or beliefs or protective responses that form during childhood.

14:28
often in response to painful or frightening experiences that you've been carrying ever since, usually without knowing it or fully being conscious of it. A lot of people have some awareness of, you know, they have certain personality traits or character traits that come from their childhood, but a lot of times we're not fully aware. Like, let's say I might make financial decisions in my life where I think I'm just making

14:57
decisions, but I'm not fully aware that the experiences I had during childhood are actually informing the way that I'm seeing that or making the decisions.

15:10
So that gap between how conscious you are versus how much your unconscious stuff is running the show, between what you say you want and how you actually behave, that can show up in a big way in our relationships. And I'll give you a few examples. I want to say, too, when you think about

15:38
people who talk about meditation or like Eckhart Tolle, I'm thinking about people who talk about mindfulness or Eastern philosophy. When he talks about this, he talks about, I don't even know what word he would use for the self, for the conscious self, but he would use the word ego for, and that doesn't mean like you're like a cocky person who's full of yourself.

16:08
The ego is the unconscious programming that comes in. The ego part of ourselves is the part that's fighting for survival or fighting for recognition. When people talk about meditation and it's like just focus on your breath. So you're just focusing on your breath. You're breathing in, you're breathing out. And all of sudden you notice these thoughts coming in. Oh, did I?

16:37
finish folding the laundry, breathing in, I'm breathing out, right? That's the ego. Oh, did I forget to pick up my daughter from her event? Breathing in, I'm breathing out. Oh, did I get all of my, you know, the things I need to do for work? I'm breathing in, I'm breathing out. Oh, what's wrong with me? I keep having these thoughts. I can't focus on my breath. Breathing in, like who's that voice? That voice is the ego.

17:07
that's constantly going on in the background all the time. That's not your true self, right? Your true self is the observer or the one who can be aware of the voice. And I won't go too deeply into this. I mean, there are a lot of books written about this, including Eckhart Tolles, which I highly recommend, I think is a good starting point. But...

17:36
It's this sort of like if you're sitting next to a river and you're noticing or a stream and it's gently flowing down, the water is gently flowing and you notice there's a leaf passing by, there's a stick passing by. Like that's kind of like how you want to begin to relate to your thoughts or to your even emotional triggers that there is this observer

18:06
that can see all of these things that are streaming in to your mind. And you're trying not to live in non-judgment and not be blaming of yourself or others. But just be curious about what's happening. when we talk about, let me get back to the unconscious programming, being a set of survival strategies or beliefs or protective responses that formed during childhood.

18:36
There are different ways that people take these on, right? That become, or they can become like personality traits. You know, the voice in my head might be very different than the voice in your head based on what we've been through that changes our personalities. And then when I, you know, when I get together with my wife, for example, or you get together with your partner, we create these relational dynamics where my stuff is playing off your stuff, your unconscious stuff.

19:06
And the more we become conscious of those things, the more we can see the patterns and we can live in a way that feels much more like a healthy relationship. one of the examples, again, I'll give a few examples. One of the examples that I see a lot in people I work with in therapy is the people pleaser.

19:30
The people pleaser believes that my authentic self is genuinely loving, caring person who wants good things for the people around me, which is great. That could all be true and is a good part of who that person is. But there's part of the unconscious programming that says I better make everyone happy or something bad is going to happen, or I'm not going to be loved, or I'm not going to be enough.

19:58
the behavior could show up as kindness. The thing to be conscious of is this coming from my authentic self, it's coming from a place of love and care, or is it coming from a place of fear that I'm not gonna be loved or I'm not gonna be enough? That's a huge thing to spend some time being mindful of and thinking about for yourself. The cost can be significant. All of us can lose ourselves

20:28
and stop knowing what we actually want or actually need or what's actually true. We can also start building resentment over time. You know, for people pleasers, a lot of times they're making sure everybody else is happy, but they're not tuning into what they need or want. So they build resentment as time goes on. another thing is sometimes what happens is their partner never really knows who they are because they're always performing.

20:58
some version of themselves designed to manage other people's feelings rather than living from their authentic truth. So again, this is a challenge where I don't want the kindness to go away. Like that's, that is an authentic part of their personality, but I do want it not to be driven by fear. That to me is moving people toward a healthy experience of who they are.

21:26
And again, being mindful, maybe you could look at it like all of us have different growth edges. For the people pleaser, their growth edge is to move into the belief that they have just as much of a right to say what they need or want as anyone else. Building a private practice can be challenging.

21:49
Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days and access enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers. They also handle all of the paperwork from eligibility checks to claim submissions and guarantee payment within two weeks of each appointment.

22:18
Plus when you join Alma, you'll get access to time saving tools for intakes, scheduling, treatment plans, progress notes, and more in their included platform. Alma helps you spend less time on administrative work and more time offering great care to your clients. Visit helloalma.com or click the link in the show notes to learn more. So let me give another example, another character trait. Let's call it the overachiever.

22:47
Right? So the authentic self maybe is genuinely wants to contribute to the world, do meaningful work, or be a provider, provide a good life for their family. But the unconscious programming says, have to keep pushing or everything is going to fall apart. If I don't make enough money, my partner will leave me or my kids won't be OK. Or I'm only enough.

23:16
As a person, as long as I'm performing, right? If I perform poorly today, I feel terrible about myself. Right? So again, we appreciate the aspects of the performer or the achiever, you know, that they're doing meaningful work, that they're working toward goals, that they're being a good provider. But if it's coming from that place of fear, it's going to feel much more edgy in their relationship.

23:45
You can imagine this ends up leading to people becoming defensive with their partner or feeling like they have to explain themselves all the time or feeling bad, a lot of harshness and criticism directed towards themselves. There's a lot of these people in American society, people who have created a really good life on paper. They have the house, the family, the career.

24:15
but they're working 80 hours a week, completely buried, or at least they feel completely buried in their work. They've lost sight of the bigger picture. They're emotionally absent from their family that they're working so hard to provide for. And I think people lose sight, like what their kids need isn't like a bigger house. It's a parent who has the ability to be more present and to be more conscious.

24:45
but they can't see that because they're operating from a place of fear. So that's an example of where it could get in the way. And again, it's like, you can work hard and work a lot of hours if you want, but you just want to be conscious of like, is this a conscious choice I'm making? Is this what I want? Is this leading to the family life that I want, the relationships that I want with my kids and my partner? And I just want to be aware of that. I don't think there's a right or wrong.

25:15
There's not a right or wrong number of hours to work in the week, but I want to be fully conscious of what's driving me in the decisions that I'm making in my work, in my relationship, and in all the aspects of my life. Because I think a lot of people end up feeling like they don't have a choice. They don't feel like I'm making a conscious choice. They feel like I'm stuck in this situation. I don't have any empowerment. I don't have any other options.

25:45
Or like they're a passenger in their own life.

25:51
And that's a feeling when we talk about feeling stuck, feeling helpless, not having any options. That's a feeling that's really about that should exist in childhood because children actually are stuck. They only have the option of living with their family to survive. Oftentimes it's not like they can just go get their own place. They really are helpless depending how young they are. They're very dependent on their parents for

26:21
survival. They can't survive without their families. So when we feel that way as adults, it's almost always connected to some sort of childhood experiences that we have that are still running in the background. this is part of what is helpful to become conscious of to make sure is the meaning that I'm making up, right? Like I could be a 40 something year old person in the world.

26:52
Am I, are the choices that I'm making based on that fear or survival strategies, or is it what I'm consciously really want? So let me give one more example. I'm calling this the angry partner, right? My authentic self wants to be honest or wants to stand up for myself, to set boundaries in a respectful way. Right? If we're talking about the authentic self, it would be respectful.

27:22
to express what's true about my experience. let me say a quick thing about anger. Anger comes from a healthy place. Oftentimes the anger comes in when we feel like our boundaries are being violated. Anger comes from a place of wanting justice, wanting fairness, wanting honesty. And it moves us to set boundaries for ourself or for other people in the world.

27:53
And so you can experience anger and deal with it in a healthy way. Like notice it, become conscious of it and think, you know, what are the, what is the boundary that I need to set or how can I set a boundary in a healthy way in this moment? So that that's the healthy part of the authentic self, but the unconscious programming, maybe it can turn into a wall of anger or cold withdrawal.

28:21
that keeps people from getting close enough to hurt me, right? So there's a difference between a boundary and a wall. Boundaries still allow for some level of connection to the other person. A wall is a choice you can make. I mean, if there are people in your life who are dangerous for you, you know, it could be healthy to set a wall, but if it's like your husband or your wife or your partner, you know, it's not gonna...

28:51
serve your relationship very well to be operating with walls all the time. Again, it's a protective strategy, but in relationships that you care about, it keeps people from getting close to you. And again, the intention is, I don't want people to hurt me, but it can create a profound sense of loneliness for yourself and for your partner. So the authentic expression of anger can sound like

29:20
I love you, I care about you, and I'm feeling really angry right now. The way you spoke to me doesn't feel fair to me." So that's owning the truth of my experience while staying in connection. I'm not getting truthy about it. I'm not saying, don't love me, you're being a jerk the way you're talking to me. I'm saying, this is my experience. I'm feeling angry.

29:48
The way you spoke to me doesn't feel good for me. So that's the authentic self speaking when we can do that. That's a really healthy, and it comes from, you we could talk about the idea of self esteem. Like the more I have my own sense of self esteem, then I'm not coming from a place of fear. I can stay confident. I can stay conscious. I can stay grounded. The unconscious part of myself, again, it's usually coming from a much younger,

30:18
ego state or younger energy that feels like it has to attack or protect or create safety in some way. That's the thing about those unconscious parts of ourself. They feel like they're entitled to attack because they feel like they're the victim. They feel like, I'm unsafe, so of course I can attack someone else. But again, it leads to disconnection rather than more connection.

30:49
All right, so let me give you another example that I think will resonate with people who do couples work. Let's say a couple is getting ready to have friends over for dinner. One partner is really stressed. They're planning the meal, cleaning the house, managing all the details, and the other partner is much more relaxed. They're helping out, they're doing their part, but they're not worried. They figure it'll all come together.

31:17
Again, I want to emphasize that they are helping just as much as the other partner, because that could be a different topic if they're not willing to help. But the stress partner starts to get really critical. The relaxed partner isn't moving fast enough, isn't taking it seriously enough. They don't have the same level of stress that they're presenting. And so the stress partner starts to get blaming and criticizing.

31:45
So and then that touches on something in the other partner, right? They have a strong protective energy around feeling blamed and judged. They feel like they're not doing anything wrong. They're not trying to harm anyone, so they suddenly feel this surge of anger. For being blamed and criticized. So they turned back. To the other person and say, well, you're just being anxious. You're being unreasonable. Stop blaming me for your own anxiety.

32:14
Now both people are caught up in the dynamic. They both lost sight of the truth. The truth is that both of their authentic selves want the same thing. They want connection. They want to feel seen and understood. They want to be loving and kind to each other. But they're both feeling threatened for different reasons. And when we start feeling threatened, we stop responding from our authentic self.

32:41
And we start responding from that younger, frightened inner child part of ourselves.

32:49
One of them sees their partner as a big scary adult who's threatening them. And from that place, they go into fight or flight. It depends on your personality or, or some people use both or, you they say fight, flight or freeze. Anyway, that could be for another episode, but, here's the shift that becomes possible. If I can stay conscious enough to imagine my partner, not as a threat, but

33:18
as a little eight-year-old who's just scared and overwhelmed, maybe even throwing a little bit of a temper tantrum. And I can come to that from my adult self, my competent, conscious, loving self. I can say, oh, I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed. Let's figure out how we can work together.

33:40
Now you want to be careful about this. I don't want people to use that as you know to weaponize that so to speak to say, oh you're just coming from your eight year old self. This is because your dad was mean to you and you think I'm being mean to now you think I'm being mean to you. That's a really horrible thing to do and lead

34:07
you know, obviously leads people into disconnection or away from connection. And it's just going to put your partner more into a protective stance. So it's definitely something you can do for yourself when you're becoming conscious. Like, oh, this is just my little eight year old who's crying out for something and feels unsafe. You know, what do I need in order to feel safe for myself? Or

34:36
Again, like I said in the example, oh, this is my partner's little eight-year-old who's scared and overwhelmed. What can I do to support them? So that's the move. That's what becomes possible when we're operating from our authentic self rather than from our unconscious programming. I want to make sure to make this point before we wrap up.

35:03
The goal isn't to eliminate the unconscious programming. It isn't to become an enlightened being who never gets triggered and never feels fear or anxiety or anger. That's not realistic. Believing it should be possible actually creates more shame when it doesn't happen. Or the other thing that happens is that you end up abandoning those parts of yourself and they feel even more scared or unsafe.

35:33
If there's a part of me that gets angry and then I criticize that part of me, which is like, what's wrong with you for always getting angry? You need to just shut up and calm down. Then it's almost like I'm telling that little eight-year-old to shut up and calm down and to, it's like squashing that part of myself. So I want to...

35:59
be able to move into acceptance of those parts of myself and to move into love and compassion. So the goal is, again, the goal isn't to eliminate it. The goal is to incorporate it into my, into myself. I think about it as an inner child part, like a younger part of me that learned something in order to survive a specific set of circumstances. And that part of me isn't bad. That part of me did the best it could.

36:27
It helped me through something hard and I can be grateful for that. And now as an adult, I want to be the one taking care of that younger part. You know, I, it's like you're driving a bus and you want to make sure that you as your adult self is the one driving and all of these, you know, younger, all these other parts of you can be on the bus, but you don't want them to, you certainly don't want them to be driving the bus. That would be sort of like letting them run your life.

36:59
So I can say to that part of me, I love you, I hear you, I understand that you're scared, but I'll take care of all this. You don't have to carry this burden anymore. And when we can do that, when we can offer that compassion to the younger parts of ourselves, we start to feel less edgy, less reactive, less driven by fear. And that frees us up to actually show up in our relationships from our authentic truth, which is loving.

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and caring and capable of real connection.

37:31
So when we're sitting with a couple, we're always tracking something underneath the surface of what they're saying. Is this person responding from their authentic self right now or from their unconscious programming? When someone gets defensive, when someone shuts down, when someone escalates, that's the programming running. And our job isn't to push through it or correct it. Our job is to get curious about it. What just got activated for you? What does this

38:01
moment remind you of? How old does this energy feel? That curiosity is what opens the door back to the authentic self. Because the moment someone can see their reaction as coming from somewhere, as connected to something they learned rather than just being the truth, so to speak, they start to have a different relationship with it and they start to have a choice. That's part of the empowerment.

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And the choice, that moment of consciousness is where the real work begins. So the work of couples therapy at its best is really about helping people come home to themselves. Not the self that was shaped by fear and survival, but the self that is always there. Loving, worthy, capable.

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of genuine connection. And that's the truth with the capital T. That part of you is always true and it's always there. And when both partners can begin to operate from that place, even imperfectly, again, even just sometimes, the relationship can transform because now they're actually meeting each other. This is what feels like connection.

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Your true self is connecting with the other person. It's not a mask you're wearing or something that you're showing them just to get acceptance from them. Or you're not just meeting each other's defenses.

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you're actually meeting each other. And that's what this work is for. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates. Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit helloalma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. And thank you again, everybody. This is Shane Birkel and this is the Couples Therapist Couch Podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy.

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I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye everybody.