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291: Truth & Love with Shane Birkel

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this solo episode, Shane talks truth & love. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

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The Couples Therapist Couch 291: Truth & Love with Shane Birkel

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

Sign up for the June 2026 Cohort of Shane’s Certified Couples Intensive Training (CIT): https://cit.shanebirkel.com/

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new 

In this solo episode, Shane talks truth & love. Hear why relationships are so hard, why we present the edited version of ourselves to our partner at first, how to help your clients show their true selves, how truth & love tie into The 4 Cs of Relationships, and how deep to go into family history with your clients. Here's a small sample of what you'll hear in this episode:

  • What's the relationship between truth & love?
  • How do boundaries work with parents as adults?
  • Why don't we show up as our true selves early in a relationship?
  • What protective strategies do we carry into our adult relationships?
  • How do truth & love relate to The 4 Cs of Relationships?

Show Notes

 

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00
And at that point, you know, I really encourage people to take a break, take some time apart, just breathe and settle your nervous system. Work on mindfulness, take a walk, listen to music.

00:17
Welcome to The Couples Therapist Couch, the podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now, your host, Shane Birkel.

00:34
Hey everybody. Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel, and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

01:03
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. I want to talk about something today that came up for me in uh a session recently. It's been sitting with me ever since. It's about the relationship between truth and love. This isn't an original idea by me. I think a lot of people have written about this.

01:32
But I think it gets at something really fundamental about why relationships are so hard and why this is so important to understand both for us as therapists and for any of us who have relationships in our life. You've probably heard this quote before. Like I said, I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, but it goes something like, love can't exist without truth.

02:00
And one of the things I've heard Terry real say before, which I think captures it is that if you think about love and truth, when you when you first start a relationship with someone, there's a lot of love and perhaps not a lot of truth yet because you're still getting to know each other and it feels exciting and if you feel connected, but you haven't really had time to get to know that person on a deeper level.

02:29
And the more truth that comes into the situation just with the natural progression of a relationship, the oftentimes the harder it becomes where you start to get to know all of those things that annoy you about the other person and vice versa. And it can, create challenges for people. And, know, this is where a lot of relationships end up ending.

02:56
and people decide maybe this isn't a good fit. But for those who end up staying together for the long term, they go through this period where they experience more and more truth. And hopefully at some point, and I'm talking years after years of working through this, they come out on the third phase is where truth and love exist at the same time.

03:24
That's an oversimplification because I also think that there are different levels of vulnerability, different levels of truth, different things that people are capable of or not capable of. And I talk to people about this a lot with regard to relationships with their parents as adults. You know, so let's say somebody's 50 years old and their parent is 80 and, um,

03:52
that can be really difficult when you try to set boundaries or share something that feels difficult for you. You know, they're just asking you like, hey, can you come home for Thanksgiving? And uh you're trying to be polite and respectful and say, you know, I'm going to my partners for Thanksgiving this year. I'm sorry, we won't be able to make it. But, you know, in the parent...

04:21
will feel really disappointed and feel really unloved. They might start saying things like, you never come home and visit. You never call me. You never uh come here for Thanksgiving. um I think that that's, there's only so much truth that you can bring up. So a lot of us have tried this, right? Where you experienced that with your 80 year old parent, and then you try to say something like, hey,

04:50
It feels really hurtful when you make me feel bad about myself for not coming to visit. And so that's your truth. You're trying to speak your truth. And again, oftentimes with that, with parents at that age, there's a lot of inability to receive the information. They stay in the right and wrong thinking.

05:18
And it just feels like an argument. And I talk to people a lot, like part of it is grieving. I have to grieve what my parents are capable of. My parents are only, you know, and I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about for all of us, you know, our parents are only capable of a certain level of that kind of truth, uh, in order for, you know, and I think a lot of times it's, it's grieving the

05:47
relationship that I always hoped I would have with my parents, and that's okay. It's like I want to appreciate the good things about it and all the good things that are happening in that relationship and be able to maintain some level of a relationship with that person. the level of truth that is possible to go back and forth on either side of it will oftentimes

06:15
determine the level of the connection that feels possible. And so this is important when you're choosing someone to to be in a relationship with or to be married to. uh This is really important. There's usually a lot more potential for this kind of exchange of truth in order to develop a deeper connection with someone who you're partnered with. So, um you know, in

06:45
Often with the right and wrong thinking, oftentimes we're going into a place of shaming or judgment, right? Like what's wrong with you that you don't want to eat the same thing I want to eat for dinner, right? And it comes out that way instead of me and maybe that's not a good example, but instead of me saying something like I, it makes me feel really lonely when

07:14
you never think about what I might like to eat for dinner. So we're talking about like, that is the truth of what I'm feeling. Nobody can argue with your personal truth of how you're feeling and what's going on for you. But if we turn it into judgment, then it could easily turn into an argument over what's right or wrong, good, bad, true or not true.

07:42
But your authentic truth would sound like you speaking from the first person. This is my reality. This is what's going on for me. This is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm hoping for. And when we start to do that, it's a risk. It's an emotional risk because your partner could still tell you no, which would make you feel rejected, or you're opening up and it's not handled well by your partner.

08:11
And they could be going into the argument or something like that. And this is where couples therapy can be really helpful or just working through the communication with your partner where you help people to more deeply share their authentic truth using language that their partner might be more likely to be able to receive. Because if I tell my partner, is my reality, I'm not blaming or criticizing or judging them.

08:40
ah And that's helpful if they're trying to be a listener to my experience. So most of us don't show up in our relationships with our full truth. And maybe part of that is a good thing. You know, we show an edited version. And if you think about the beginning of a relationship, you know, we're presenting a version of ourselves that we think the other person wants to see. And that's keeping us in emotional safety.

09:09
You know, I think one of humans deepest fears is being truly known and for the other person to reject them or not to feel like they're enough. Right? All of us are struggling with feeling like we're enough. And if we truly show ourselves and we feel understood or known by the other person and they, still reject us, then that,

09:37
we go to this place of wondering what's wrong with me. I want to talk about how meaning making comes into this, you know, because this is all meaning that we're making up about our partner's response, right? So if I ask my partner for something in a vulnerable way and they say, no, you know, I go to this place, this deep place. If you really think about it and you may not be conscious of it entirely, which is why it's helpful to work on the consciousness piece.

10:05
But I might go to this meaning making of, does this mean they don't love me? Does this mean I'm not worthy? Does this mean I'm not enough? And, um, like I was saying, it touches on some really deep core themes for people. And so to protect myself from that, that's where I might come out of the gates in a way that sounds kind of judgmental or right and wrong thinking, you know, so let's, let's say my wife wants to go hang out with her friends for the evening.

10:35
And I'm feeling really lonely about that or disconnected. I might say something like, well, what's wrong? Like, why do you always want to go hang out with your friends? Right. So I'm setting it up in a blaming way. That's kind of a passive aggressive comment. And I'm implying that she's doing something wrong by hanging out with her friends. Now, underneath that, it doesn't have anything to do with her. It's about my

11:05
longing and my fear, maybe a younger part of me, you know, that's terrified to ask for what I want and to be told no. So if I were to be vulnerable about that, you know, I could say, I feel like we haven't been spending much time together lately. I really miss you. I'd love to spend more time with you. That's my reality. And that's what's going on for me. So it's the same feeling, but it's a completely different expression.

11:32
And one has the potential to create connection and the other creates distance and a power struggle. So, and I would say that that's much more connected to the truth. It's much closer to the truth. Like I don't really think that there's anything that's true about it being wrong for my wife to go hang out with her friends. And I think it just creates confusion when we approach the conversation in that way.

12:02
Now I had a client recently who I was speaking with individually and she had just lost a really close friend and you know, let's shoot. was 50 years old. So, and her friend was the same. So it's very young and uh, to, to, pass away. And, um, she was thinking about, you know, or she was going to travel across the country.

12:31
to go to the funeral. And she had mentioned it to her husband. And so we were talking about this in individual therapy. He wasn't there. But she felt like he wasn't very, he didn't react very positively about traveling across the country and going to this funeral for her friend. And she felt really scared to ask him again or to talk about it again, because she felt like he didn't really want to go. So there's this fear. And we were talking about

13:02
you know, her feelings about that. And she started telling me that, you know, this was going to be really emotional for her. This was a good friend since childhood. There'd be a lot of people she knew. There'd be a lot of grief in the room. And, you know, she just imagined having her husband there next to her by her side as she was going through all of this, how supportive that would feel. And, you know,

13:30
She just wanted to be able to reach over and hold her husband's hand. You know, and she was crying as she was describing this and it was very soft and warm and real. And, um, you know, I asked her at that point, have you showed this part of yourself to your husband? Like this is a really important part of your truth that I think if he saw that, you know, it would, it would make sense to him why it was so important.

14:00
for you to have him there and that he would want to be there. Now, that may not always be true. I don't want to set you up for failure, but to me, there's something that's so important about her connecting with that aspect of her truth and sharing it with her husband for him to know what's really going on for her and why it would be important.

14:28
for her to have him there at the funeral. So these protective strategies develop in us for a reason. As kids, we're trying to create safety. And I'm sure there are a lot of healthy situations out there, but in lot of environments, there are things that aren't entirely safe for kids growing up in that environment. And I mean, emotionally safe.

14:58
where if you express a feeling or express a need, it might have been met by your parents or guardians with rejection or dismissal, or the parents were too overwhelmed to even be able to listen. uh And so you learn that there's an acceptable version of yourself that you can show that maintains a sense of safety.

15:26
for the world that wouldn't make your parents uncomfortable. And so as long as I show up like this, then I can get the love that I'm hoping for. And Gabor Mate talks about this really beautifully. know, many children face a bind where they have to choose between their authentic self, their truth, so to speak, and getting the love and approval from their parents.

15:56
So again, like if there's a child who, let's say they went to school and they were bullied by another child at school and they come home and they're really sad and they could be angry about it. They could be sad. They could be afraid. And a lot of parents might respond to this in very different ways. But the parents give some sort of signal.

16:24
that it's not okay to feel this way. One example would be, oh, just be positive, it's gonna be fine. Or it could be worse where your parents aren't even there when you get home. And again, there's an implicit message in that that I have to deal with these things all by myself. And I'm thinking even just a little kindergartener, there could be the experience of...

16:53
You know, your parents are home, but they're arguing with each other. And so you just went through this day and kids really start to pick up on this at a very young age. But you just went through all this, you're home, your parents are stressed and arguing with each other. And there's just no room for you to have a voice about your truth and what's going on for you. There's no consideration for the child's experience.

17:20
let alone the child's experience of the argument itself that's happening. know, the parents aren't pulling the child aside after their argument and saying, hey, I'm so sorry, that must have been really hard for you. Here's how we can communicate in a healthy way or do something better. There's just no conversation about it. And so again, the implicit message for the child is, as long as I keep

17:47
things inside of me, as long as I stuff down my emotions, as long as I don't talk about my emotions and show that I'm angry or sad or afraid, then I won't be as much of a burden on my parents. And again, and it could be even worse than that, where a kid comes home and is crying and the parent gets really dysregulated and says, well,

18:14
It's not that big a deal. I had it much worse than you did. I'll give you something to cry about if you want to keep crying about everything, you know, and a really shaming sort of direct message to the child that their emotions aren't okay. And so we carry this learning into our adult relationships and the strategies that in some ways, if you think about it, these strategies protected us as children.

18:44
And like I said, it created some sort of safety where if I can hold in my emotions and keep it to myself, at least I won't be rejected by my parents or worse, attacked by my parents. So we learn to create the safety as children, but we bring that into our adult relationships and it can really destroy the intimacy. So the thing that kept you safe is destroying the intimacy.

19:13
in your adult present day relationship. There are a lot of ways this can show up. Again, it could just be you hiding your truth, not wanting to open up and be clear about what you want or what you need or how you're feeling. ah There's also themes that come out that feel more like power struggles, where having a voice means one of us is gonna win and one of us is gonna lose, and I'm gonna fight forgetting what I want.

19:43
and people become very critical or shaming and sometimes play out the same way that their parents communicated to them. Building a private practice can be challenging. Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days.

20:12
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20:40
visit helloalma.com or click the link in the show notes to learn more. We want to help couples become more aware of this happening. going to go through the four C's here, which I've talked about in previous episodes, but I think it's a really helpful way of sort of taking the situation and taking a look at uh what the path forward could really look like. So the first C is consciousness.

21:10
And it's about becoming conscious of what's actually happening. Like if I'm, if I feel like becoming critical or blaming what's really going on underneath, or if I feel like losing my voice or shutting down and not saying anything, there's some, something to be conscious of about what's really happening there. And another thing is that these things create dynamics in the couple.

21:40
Right? The more that I do my part of it, the more my partner does their part of it. For example, the pursuer, distancer dynamic, you know, where if you have, if I'm a pursuer and I'm trying to talk about the issues and trying to explain to my partner why they're doing things wrong and my partner is a withdraw and they feel like I'm criticizing them.

22:09
and then they withdraw more and more and more, then I feel even more anxious and alone. So I keep trying to pursue and talk it through because in my mind, that's what's going to create connection. In their mind, returning to peace and not talking about the issues anymore is going to create connection. And so the more I do my side of it, the more they do their side of it. And it just puts us in this dynamic where neither person is feeling safe.

22:37
in the situation. we want to help couples become conscious of this and to become conscious of what is the meaning that I'm bringing to this situation? What is my biggest fear? What would happen? You know, and I think there's a question to focus back on the idea of truth that we can ask ourselves, which is, is it really true?

23:06
If I'm the pursuer and my partner doesn't want to talk about the issue right now, is it really true that they don't love me or they don't care about my perspective? Right. And there's a lot of wisdom we can gain from taking a step back and becoming conscious. The truth is my partner grew up in their own environment with it, with their own situation, with their parents and family and everything else.

23:35
And there's a reason why it makes sense that they're responding in the way that they are. Now, I'm not saying that being abusive is okay. I'm not saying that being emotionally cruel or mean is okay. But what I'm saying is like, if they are shutting down and not able to continue talking to me, there's probably a reason why it makes sense that they're doing that. And a lot of times people have good intentions.

24:04
You know, the pursuer has good intentions because they want to talk it through. The withdraw has good intentions because they want to get back to peace.

24:17
A lot of times there's no bad guys or good guys here. It's just becoming conscious of the pattern that we've created between us and becoming more conscious of my own stuff. Right? Like what did I go through as a child that might be leading to the way that I'm showing up in this moment? What happened as a child for me when I tried to have a voice about

24:48
my emotions or something I was upset about. What happened to my partner when they were growing up, when they tried to have a voice about what was going on for them? And how does that fit with the way that we're reacting and feeling this deep sense of emotion in the present? And even as I'm talking about this, we're moving into curiosity, which is the second C.

25:17
which is about asking those types of questions. Why do I move into trying to control the situation when I feel this way? Or why do I move into trying to control my partner's perspective? And this could be a somewhat really toxic cycle where if my partner is not handling conflict well, not being very nice about it, and then I'm trying to manage them

25:47
by sort of catering to their bad behavior, right? There's all kinds of ways this could show up. And I just want to be curious, am I just being loving and kind and compassionate about them? Or am I doing something out of fear to manage the situation and it's perpetuating this toxic dynamic between the two of us? And I think understanding

26:17
a little bit more deeply about your family of origin and about the patterns that are playing out in your own relationship or your own marriage. uh Realizing that they probably go deeper than the marriage itself, that some of these things are part of who you are even before you met this other person. And, you know, as a couples therapist, when we're working with people in couples therapy,

26:46
You don't always need to go deep into family history. I find it to be incredibly helpful. I probably do it with 90 % of the people I work with, but some people don't really want to go there or they're not ready to do that. And I think even in those cases, it's okay. We want to move into curiosity about what's going on in my nervous system.

27:12
uh Is my heart rate becoming escalated? I not able to think as clearly in this moment? So that kind of curiosity can can be really helpful and That and that's about becoming conscious of myself and my nervous system. It's almost like a mindfulness practice that um

27:33
People are least capable of dealing with difficult situations when their nervous system is activated. Right? So if you have arguments that play out, let's say, you know, one of the main things people argue about is money, let's say. So if you your partner argue about money all the time, when you start getting activated and overwhelmed, that's probably the

28:02
the least helpful time to have a conversation about money. And this is where we talk about taking timeouts for couples where, if you're, if you're in that place and you're getting wrapped up in the pattern, sometimes it's very hard to be conscious or very hard to be curious about what's going on. Cause your, your brain is in fight or flight. And at that point, you know, I really encourage people to take a break, take some time apart, just breathe.

28:32
and settle your nervous system, work on mindfulness, take a walk, listen to music. There's a lot of different things that might work for each person. But, um you know, if you're doing this kind of work, if you're trying to live your life in this way, if you're trying to connect with the truth of what's happening, it's probably much less about your partner and much more about your own wiring.

29:00
your own nervous system and your own history, that's going to get you a lot more benefit or make you feel like you're making a lot more progress if you focus on yourself rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong.

29:18
And I think that, you know, that leads me to the third C, which is compassion, which is about how do I move into compassion for myself and potentially my partner as well? That, you know, again, when we break away from the meaning making or we ask ourselves, is it true? The meaning that I'm making up in my mind, is it really true? What it often leads to is more compassion.

29:49
Let's imagine uh an example where you're being really harsh and critical toward yourself, where you're getting an argument with your partner and you start saying, I'm such an idiot. I always get this wrong. ah What's wrong with me that I keep getting stuck in these arguments in the same way? And a lot of times what I imagine is that imagine that there's a little six-year-old

30:17
version of yourself. And sometimes that voice, that critical voice is what that child heard. And I imagine, I help my client imagine, but I also do it in my own personal life. I imagine bringing out that little six-year-old and telling them whatever I feel like telling myself. Because I would never call that little child an idiot.

30:46
I would never tell them that they're always getting it wrong. I just wouldn't say that. imagining this. think most of us inevitably have so much more compassion and understanding for a child who's struggling than we do for ourselves. But we want to treat ourselves in the same way that we would treat a precious, innocent, vulnerable child.

31:17
I would change the language. Once I do that, often feel compelled to change the language I'm using to something like, of course you're afraid. Of course, you learn to protect yourself in this way. It makes complete sense, given what you've been through, that you would do this. And so we start to move into compassion for that part of ourselves, which is

31:45
in some ways synonymous with moving into compassion for ourself. And that's the energy we want to bring in, we want to start with. And when I can hold myself with that kind of warmth, it's me taking care of myself. I'm no longer waiting for my partner to do something in order for me to feel okay in the world.

32:12
I'm not approaching my partner from a place of desperation. Like I need you to do something in order for me to feel okay or take care of me in a certain way. I'm not looking for them to heal everything inside of me. Right? So I'm taking responsibility for that for myself. And so I might imagine holding that little child, but then I might think about, I think about it something like,

32:42
I want you to stay behind me while I face this difficult conversation with my partner. So I'm putting myself into my functional adult part of my brain, my prefrontal cortex, the rational part of my brain that's connected to the truth in the world. The truth is that if my nervous system is activated and going crazy, that doesn't necessarily mean

33:11
that my partner doesn't love me or care about me or is being mean to me or something like that. So I want to tell that little six year old, I got you, I'm going to protect you, I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to love you. And you can stand behind me while I deal with this situation with my partner.

33:35
You know, and sometimes I take it to the extreme, even if you and your husband or wife or partner don't end up staying together, you're still going to be okay. Well, what's the worst that could happen? Okay, then what's the worst that could happen? And you can keep asking people this and it can be sort of soothing or grounding for people to think through that.

34:01
But most of the time it's going to lead to a much healthier feeling relationship with the person who you're with. And when I begin to do that, can approach my partner with a lot more compassion. I'm taking care of myself. I'm showing up as my healthy adult self. I'm able to talk about how I feel or what I need without this edginess to it, this neediness to it.

34:30
And then I want to be able to do that for my partner as well. I can see the frightened younger part of them underneath the surface. And again, I'm not excusing bad behavior or things that are harmful. Absolutely not. But it changes how I respond. It helps me to stay in that compassion for myself and compassion for my partner.

34:59
And this can lead to the fourth C, which is connection, uh so much more feeling of connection in the situation.

35:10
The vulnerable expression to go back to the original example is, I'd love to spend more time with you.

35:19
You know, in some ways it's crazy to think how we, what we really want is to feel the love and connection with our partner. And we start to do things that create the opposite of that.

35:35
And a lot of that is about what I was saying before, because we don't have to be vulnerable. It's, it's risky to be vulnerable. We feel exposed, but it's the only thing that actually creates the possibility of genuine intimacy. And we want that truth, my truth, your truth, me speaking, me listening back and forth. We want it to flow.

36:04
to flow back and forth. This is where people feel the true sense of connection. When I have the desire to understand your deep truth and I have the confidence and safety to express my own truth and to feel heard, that's where the relationship can feel very connected and loving. It doesn't mean we have to agree. And this is important too.

36:34
Your partner has the right to their own perspective and some of these conversations are difficult to work through. But each person deserves time to have that safe container or space to feel heard and seen and understood.

36:54
So if you are the listener, you your job is not to agree or to fix anything. It's simply to move into compassion for what the speaker is experiencing, especially the first step. Their reality is their reality. It belongs to them.

37:11
And I think when people start to do this, they don't have that wall of protection up anymore. And something starts to flow in between them.

37:22
And there's another piece of this that I think is really important, which is that most of us don't like uncertainty. We don't like not knowing how our partner is going to respond or knowing whether they're going to say yes or no to a request or whether they'll turn away. So, so we reach for control to at least feel like we have, um,

37:50
some reassurance about what's going to happen. But the control is an illusion most of the time. It's like you can make your partner feel guilty enough to spend time with you or you can win the power struggle, but you can't change what they really want or you can't win intimacy or connection by winning a power struggle. The genuine connection is impossible to force.

38:20
So letting go is a big part of this and it's incredibly hard. Each one of us can only know and speak our own reality. I can say, I'd love to spend time with you, and I'm honest and try to say it with care and respect, but then I have to let go of what happens next. My partner's response belongs to them. And if the way they respond isn't in alignment with what I want,

38:50
That's for me to work through my own inner stuff. And that's terrifying for the younger parts, especially. But for your healthy adult self, it's actually very freeing because now you're working with the truth of your reality. In some way, I'm not responsible for managing my partner's feelings or reaction. I'm only responsible for showing up honestly in my own truth.

39:17
and being respectful and supportive and considerate of them.

39:23
But at the end of the day, I really have to let go and stop trying to manage or control the situation. Uh, and I like the word surrender. The surrender is the willingness to express your reality and release the outcome. And to me that that in itself is a huge act of love.

39:47
It's like it's treating your partner as someone capable of their own response rather than someone who needs to be managed into the right one.

39:56
ah And people might have questions about this. I'm happy for you to reach out and connect. Because there's probably a lot more I need to explain or say about this. But to come back to where we started, love can't exist without truth. Or another way of looking at it is the depth of love that's possible is determined by the depth of truth that's possible between two people. Now, there might be

40:25
people in relationships who are very protected because they just they've been through a lot and they need that to feel safe and that's okay. That can be a very loving relationship and it's an acceptance of where you're at as a human being. All of us are on our own unique journey and we have to have appreciation and acceptance for what we're capable of or what our partner is capable of. All of us have limitations.

40:55
And that's okay. Um, but the younger parts need time and safety to get there or to make progress. And I think that's what we can really create in the therapy room. You know, a place where people can gradually risk more truth, where the edited version slowly gives way to something more real.

41:22
And I think that's a huge part of what we accomplish in therapy is creating that safety for people and teaching them what that means with each other and giving them the opportunity to feel or to be fully known by another person and to truly be loved.

41:46
That's not a small thing, it's huge. Thank you all for those of you who do this work or those of you who are courageous enough to be in a relationship with someone else. I appreciate all of you. Thank you so much for listening. As I said, feel free to reach out if you have any questions. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

42:12
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. Thank you again, everybody. This is Shane Birkel and this is The Couples Therapist Couch podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy. I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everybody.

 

 

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