276: The Myth of Effortless Connection with Shane Birkel

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this solo episode, Shane talks the myth of effortless connection. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

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The Couples Therapist Couch 276: The Myth of Effortless Connection with Shane Birkel

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new 

In this solo episode, Shane talks the myth of effortless connection. Hear how to help couples who just don’t feel connected anymore, how to get each person to speak through their feelings, what the healthiest relationships do best, how to slow things down with clients, and how to create a sense of safety in relationships. Here's a small sample of what you'll hear in this episode:

• Making requests vs. making judgements
• Moving from abstract to specific descriptions
• Letting go of the "meant to be" fantasy
• Being heard first, then problem-solving
• Creating safety for vulnerability

Show Notes

• 276: The Myth of Effortless Connection with Shane Birkel
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more
• [1:22] Couples who feel like roommates with parallel lives
• [2:20] Moving from "we" statements to individual experiences
• [3:22] The vulnerability of owning your personal experience
• [4:45] Feeling rejected when partner is on their phone
• [6:14] Making requests vs. making judgments
• [6:44] The long-distance relationship example
• [9:06] Unspoken resentments between the retired husband and working wife
• [10:34] Moving from abstract to specific descriptions
• [11:02] The deeper meaning behind "I want them to want to help"
• [12:31] Making things specific and observable
• [13:28] Letting go of the "meant to be" fantasy
• [14:09] Giving feedback respectfully
• [15:08] Slowing down and deepening the conversation
• [16:06] Attachment theory: "Are you there for me?"
• [17:06] This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more
• [18:04] Being heard first, then problem-solving
• [18:59] Don't rush to solutions like "schedule a date night"
• [20:25] Therapist biases and recognizing our own meanings
• [21:33] The movie-watching example
• [23:00] The work of mature relationships
• [23:30] The "90% is your partner" myth
• [24:21] Speaking with respect and consideration
• [25:19] Creating safety for vulnerability
• [26:18] Helping each person own their reality
• [27:13] The speaker-listener technique and attachment wounds
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit https://helloalma.com/dg/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=paid&utm_campaign=privatepractice to learn more

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00
If you feel like it's a lot of work, that doesn't necessarily mean that there's a problem.

00:09
Welcome to The Couples Therapist Couch, the podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now, your host, Shane Birkel.

00:25
Hey everybody. Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel, and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

00:55
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. Hey everyone, welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel and today I'm going to be talking about couples that just don't feel connected. And this is a specific type of couple. This is something that I've seen a lot. Sometimes they'll

01:22
come in and they'll say, we just feel like roommates. Or recently I heard, I was talking to another therapist in a consultation and they said they were working with a couple that felt like they were living parallel lives. And one of the things that is really important about working with these cases is really trying to separate each person's reality.

01:50
Because a lot of times the couple will come in and they'll um talk about, we just don't feel connected. When people use we statements in that way, it's really hard for a therapist to know what to do. So I never really take that at face value. Oftentimes I'll pretty quickly try to encourage each person to say, well, what makes you not feel connected in this relationship?

02:20
So I really want to get to the lived experience of each person because a lot of times this is, using that kind of language, using that kind of we language is actually avoiding vulnerability on some level. And I'm not saying people do it on purpose. mean, it might be true that they both really feel disconnected. I mean, it could be a true statement, but it's part of, part of.

02:48
What's creating the problem is using language like that.

02:53
And when we ask partner A, how are you not feeling connected? And we asked partner B, how are you not feeling connected? What happens is it requires uh each person to look in the mirror and look within themselves and really try to describe what's going on for them, which is hard work. And it can be very emotional. It can be something that's very hard for people to do. And let me use an example.

03:22
Right? Like this, is similar to the experience of, you know, talking about right and wrong instead of talking about my personal experience. My wife could be just relaxing on the couch looking at her phone and I might have a feeling in my mind, you know, it's much easier or less vulnerable for me to think.

03:48
Well, if she really cared about me, she put her phone down and she'd pay attention to me, we could do something together. What kind of partner is she that she's just sitting there on her phone and not paying attention to me? Screen time is really bad for people. We should be doing other things. All these kinds of judgmental statements pop into my head. if I really take a step back,

04:17
I mean, I do the same thing. I sit on the couch on my phone and I really don't have a problem with my wife sitting on the couch on her phone. But my brain is trying to make up a reason why I'm feeling the things that I'm feeling. There's a meaning connected to what's happening or the first experience for us as human beings is the feeling that comes up, right? So maybe I'm feeling really rejected because she's on her phone.

04:45
That's the feeling. And then my brain starts to try to make up information to fit with my feeling. And it's much more helpful, and I think this is what we can help people do in couples therapy, to try to get each person to speak to the feeling, right? So in the example that I'm using, I could say, honey, do you have a moment? First of all, getting her consent, because she might be in the middle of reading an article or something, but.

05:14
Hey, is this a good time to talk for a minute? And then if she looks up and pays attention, I could say, I'm just feeling a little rejected or alone. I'm wondering if we could do something together. Right? And right there, even in that example, I even mean to do it, but I made a request about what I wanted. Right? So this, to go back to the couples who are feeling disconnected or feeling like roommates or feeling like

05:44
They're just passing in the night. One of the things that's so important is each person speaking their truth about what's going on. In that example, I was able to say it in a way where I made a request to say, I'm feeling rejected. Would you mind hanging out with me? Now, I don't even need to say I'm feeling rejected. That's an option. You can always share how you're feeling. Sometimes that's really helpful for the partnership. But I could just say, hey,

06:14
Is this a good time to hang out? Right. And I'm creating the environment that that's going to help me create the meaning in my mind that this is a connected, healthy relationship. Um, and we want to be careful not to move into that judgment because, because one partner might feel fine, right? Like, Oh, you, you know, I'll use a different example. Um, there could be someone

06:44
who, let's say that someone's in a long distance relationship. So they live in different places. They're trying to make it work. And one partner feels like this is completely fine. I feel good about this. I have my own space. We talk on the phone all the time. We find ways to connect. visit each other all the time. I think this is going great. We have a good relationship. We feel connected. Even though we don't live together and we don't see each other very often and we live in different cities.

07:15
The other partner could be sitting there thinking, is awful. I don't feel connected at all. I can't wait until we have a chance, have the opportunity to move to the same city where this isn't a long distance relationship and we can share our lives more together. You know, nobody's right or wrong about their perception. Both of their perceptions are valid and could be healthy, but unless...

07:42
each person figures out how to share the meaning that's going on for them and the feelings that are going on for them and their personal experience, then it could continue to be hard to know what's wrong. Just to continue using that example, the partner who's not happy with the long distance relationship could share with their partner, I feel like we're really disconnected.

08:09
And their partner may not understand what that means unless the other partner can go into more detail about it. Because it doesn't match with the other partner's reality. If they're thinking like the long distance relationship is working really well and they're really happy, they're not going to know why the other person feels disconnected. And that doesn't mean it's any less true or important or anything else. This is something that happens in almost all relationships.

08:38
But it requires each person, first of all, to have some ability to be emotionally connected to themselves and their own reality and what's going on for them. And then to have the ability to communicate what is going on for them. And you know, I meet with people all the time. Recently I met with someone who'd been together for 40 years.

09:06
uh married for 40 years even. They were still struggling through some of these examples where as a husband and a wife, husband is retired, the wife is still working full time, but the wife would come home from work, the husband would just be sitting on his phone, and the wife would go right into making dinner. And she was feeling a lot of resentment about this, and she was feeling a lot of like,

09:35
a lack of fairness about what was going on. And she's like, it would have been nice if he would have just started making dinner because I was working all day. And there's all these things that go on in our head. You know, I think that's something we can all relate to. There's all this these things that go on inside our heads that if we don't actually bring it into the conversation, our partner might not know that anything's wrong from their perspective. Maybe that's uh everything's working fine.

10:06
So we have to go from these abstract phrases like we don't feel connected or we're living parallel lives or whatever, my partner is never there for me or my partner's always on their phone. These are sort of abstract statements that we have to help people. If you're a therapist and you're working with a couple

10:34
We really have to help people move into more specific descriptions of what it would mean if they felt more connected. It sounds like an easy, tangible thing to do, but it's really connected to our deeper psychology, our deeper attachment wounds, our deeper uh sense of who we are. Another example, you know, I have people who say, I really want my partner to help with the dishes more.

11:02
And then their partner starts helping with the dishes. And then they say, yeah, they're helping with the dishes, but I want them to want to help with the dishes. And it's like people want the other person to feel the exact way that they want them to feel or feel the exact same way they do. I mean, it's the same thing. You know, we could use sex as an example. You know, when you watch the movies and people fall in love and

11:31
It's like everything just falls into place and they won't have sex at the same time. They're always in the mood at the same time as each other. That's just not real life for most people. It's completely normal for people to have very differing levels of desire. Or maybe one person's in the mood at one time, one person's in the mood at a different time. There could be a feeling of disconnection because it's not really matching up ever. Or one person really isn't interested in

12:00
in doing it that much and the other person is more interested in doing it more often. So we really have to take a look at these things, right? Because it takes a lot more vulnerability for me to say, I'm having a hard time with this. This is the meaning I'm making up about it. This is the feeling I'm having. I'm feeling like you don't care about me or I'm making up in my mind that you don't care about me. So if we're helping people through this, we really have to...

12:31
make things specific and observable. If I watched a video of your relationship, what would I see? Or if this felt good for you, what would be happening more often? And again, I hate to make people feel bad, but I think it's an immature mindset to think that everything's just gonna fall into place without asking for what you want.

13:00
Again, that comes from the movies, that comes from culture, comes from music, the way things are described often about what love feels like and what connection feels like and what true love means and love at first sight. But part of growing up and maturing is realizing that there's not some person out there who is

13:28
entirely like meant to be with me who's going to connect with me and know everything that I want all the time and will you know complete each other.

13:39
And I say that to be reassuring to you. I hope it's reassuring to know if you're struggling in your relationship, it may not mean that anything's fundamentally wrong. It may just mean you have to do the work of learning how to share with each other what you want in a healthy, respectful way. And that's the key for me. mean, the healthiest relationships are the ones where people can give each other feedback in a respectful way.

14:09
and be really considerate of each other. It's not even being able to follow through on what the other person wants. You don't have to do what the other person is asking for. The key is listening and being really understanding and validating and considerate what they're saying and what their reality is and what they want. And usually when couples have the ability to do that, the problem solving becomes easier, but you have to slow down. And this is another...

14:39
piece of advice I would give for those who work with couples, oftentimes we really have to slow down what's going on in the room. You'll often see when you start to slow things down, when you start to ask people more questions about the observable reality, what would this look like? What would your partner be doing differently? When you start validating what they're feeling and you tell them it makes sense that you're feeling this way,

15:08
and let's slow this down a little bit. Tell me more about what that feels like when this happens to you. Tell me more about what gets hard in that moment. Tell me more about what are you telling yourself in your mind when this is going on? You know, those are really big opportunities where we're deepening, we're slowing down. As a therapist, you can really model that compassion and loving tone. And, you know, these are places where people get

15:37
very emotional at times, because it feels like there's a lot at stake. With the attachment stuff, I won't go too much into it because I've talked about it a lot in other episodes, but with the attachment theory stuff, there's a question of, you there for me? Can I count on you? A lot of times, we'll interpret the other person's behavior in a way that feels like

16:06
they're answering no, like to the question of, you there for me? If my partner is working all the time, I'm sitting at home, you know, waiting for them to carve out time to hang out and I'm not feeling like a priority, you know, I might start making up this meeting in my mind that they're not there for me. And they may be going to work feeling like they're a good provider and not know that there's any problem at all.

16:36
So I have to bring it to the level of communication. And sometimes people avoid doing that because they don't think anything can change, right? And that creates a lot of hopelessness. If I've tried to bring it up with my partner before and they're like, well, I have to work all the time because I have to pay the bills and I have to provide for us, how else am I going to do that? You know, I might feel like I don't know how to bring this up. Or maybe that's what I think they're going to say and I haven't even tried to bring it up yet. Building a private practice can be challenging.

17:06
Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days and access enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers. They also handle all of the paperwork from eligibility checks to claim submissions and guarantee payment within two weeks of each appointment.

17:35
Plus when you join Alma, you'll get access to time-saving tools for intakes, scheduling, treatment plans, progress notes, and more in their included platform. Alma helps you spend less time on administrative work and more time offering great care to your clients. Visit helloalma.com or click the link in the show notes to learn more. But it's really important. I think that there's usually, I would look at it as two steps.

18:04
where the first step is just being heard and seen and understood, right? So I don't even have to ask them to change their work schedule. But if I can share with them, this is what's going on for me, this is what I'm making up about it, this is how I'm feeling, that in and of itself could be very healing for couples. And for my partner to learn how to listen and give me compassion and consideration. But then...

18:31
I think the problem solving becomes much easier if we both can show understanding to each other and learn how to listen to each other. I think people can get creative about what the solutions could look like. I often see people rush too quickly to the solutions and I think sometimes that's a strategy to avoid these deeper conversations that I'm talking about or...

18:59
the vulnerability of tapping into my own personal experience. And for example, if a couple came into therapy and they're talking about feeling disconnected, sometimes the therapist will just jump quickly to, oh, you guys should schedule a date night every now and then. And I'm sure a date night would be great, and that's a good idea. That could be part of the plan. But what is each couple really asking for? Maybe one of them wants

19:29
more time hanging out together like in a date night. Maybe the other one wants something entirely different. And so we have to sort of honor the fact that everybody has a different perspective and a different reality. we like even as therapists, we have to remember that we're bringing our own biases that we make up meaning about what's right or wrong in a relationship based on our own

19:58
experiences and culture and upbringing. And we just have to acknowledge that. Right? Like if someone told me, you know, we have a long distance relationship, we only see each other once every year, and we only talk on the phone once a month. I mean, I'm making up meaning in my mind, like, how in the heck are you supposed to have a relationship when you only talk to each other once a month? Now,

20:25
they could be perfectly happy in their life and their relationship and it works for them. like even as a therapist, I'm making up that meaning in my mind and I have to slow down myself and stay in that curiosity and stay in that ability to kind of dial in and ask each person, what's it like for you? What's your experience of this? Well, what happened? know, and try to come up with, try to have them come up with.

20:54
specific examples that highlight what they're feeling, what they need, what it would look like if it was different.

21:03
So there's the reality of what's happening. And then there's the meaning, which is the narrative we attach to it or the story we create about it. And the reason we create, or the way that we create meanings is connected to usually our attachment wounds. It's connected to what we went through growing up. We have to try to be mindful in sessions if this is happening. It's sort of like...

21:33
I had this client recently who came in and said, well, my partner just wants to watch a movie every night when we get home. And they said it like that. Like that was like a really bad thing. And I'm thinking to myself, yeah, I can imagine people who want to watch a movie every night. I don't know what's. So I had to I had to ask the question, well, what is that like for you? What is the meaning of that for you? What? You know, and it came it was helpful because

22:03
It came out that that person was taking it in a way that felt like the other partner was trying to avoid connection with them. So that made a lot of sense, right? And there's a lot of potential for what we can do with that conversation. But like, if that partner is just observing the other partner watching a movie and they're rolling their eyes and they're saying, oh, you're going to watch a movie again? Oh, geez, great. Right? And they're saying those kinds of things that we all do.

22:31
that bring kind of judgment to it or imply that there's something wrong with it, then the other partner may be completely missing the point. And we have to help each person sort of communicate their reality and what's going on for them and what they want and what success looks like. This is the work of mature relationships. Again, if you feel like it's a lot of work,

23:00
That doesn't necessarily mean that there's a problem. The cultural narrative is that if you find the right person, it should feel effortless. So we have to change that idea. ah If I'm not feeling connected, it requires internal exploration within myself. Right? A lot of times I forget there's a quote by some therapist. It was something like, most people will tell you that 90 % of the problem is their partner.

23:30
in their relationship. And so if you think about it, that just doesn't add up. Can't be true. people, whenever someone's feeling hurt or sad, they look to their partner like, if my partner just changed, then I could be happy in my life. If my partner just did things different, then I would feel connected. Then I would feel loved. Then I would have the relationship I want. And I think there's the change in the mindset

23:59
has to be my partner isn't doing certain things that I want. How do I look within myself? How do I get clear on what I'm feeling, what I feel like I'm missing, the meaning I'm making up about it? And then I can share it with my partner in a nice way.

24:21
One of the most important things I think for couples is to be able to share these things with respect and consideration. That's the important, it's not that you get what you want, but it's that you have the ability to have a voice about what's going on for you without it being blaming or criticizing or judgmental of the other person. And really healthy relationships might continue to have a lot of differences and a lot of differences of opinion.

24:50
and frustrations and negative feelings, but really healthy relationships have the ability to talk to each other with respect and be considerate of the other person's reality and their perspective. That's what makes it feel like a really healthy relationship. I think there has to be a lot of safety in order to create the environment, whether you're a therapist or whether we're talking about you and your partner.

25:19
That's a question. How do I create safety for my partner so that they feel like they can go into that vulnerability so that we can really slow down and get underneath the anger, get underneath the frustration? Because underneath the anger and frustration is often the sadness and the hurt and the fear. And those are a lot scarier to look at and to go into.

25:48
If there's not a level of consideration for each other, if there's not a level of safety, emotional safety, then it's going to be very hard to do that. And if you've tried that, if you had a hard time with it, if you've tried some of the things from the podcast episodes and feels like it's still a huge challenge, that might be a time where you consider going to a couples therapist to see if you can sort some of that out and create the safety that you're looking for.

26:18
In summary, you know, this was about couples who come in talking about being disconnected, talking about being roommates, but having a hard time getting specific with it. And just as a reminder, as a summary, we want to help each person own their reality. I talk to people a lot about owning their reality or owning their shit. Each of us has our own perspective and ways in which we

26:45
don't feel like we're getting what we need in their relationship. And each person has to take a turn to explain what's going on for them and why it feels hard. And I've talked in other episodes a lot about the speaker listener, right? So if I'm sharing my reality, I'm the speaker, and then the other person needs to be a good listener, mirroring back, being curious, being validating of the experience.

27:13
And each person needs to take a turn being the speaker and listener. Again, like recognizing that there's probably some connection to these attachment wounds, wondering like, are you there for me? Can I count on you? And trying to work through these conversations. So I hope this was helpful for everybody. I hope this was, helps you gain some insight into the couples you work with, but also your own relationship. And I hope all of you have a great rest of the week. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma.

27:42
They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates. handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. And thank you again, everybody. This is Shane Birkel and this is The Couples Therapist Couch podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy. I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everybody!