255: Resentment in Relationships with Shane Birkel

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this solo episode, Shane talks resentment in relationships. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

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• Show Notes
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The Couples Therapist Couch 255: Resentment in Relationships with Shane Birkel

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

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In this solo episode, Shane talks resentment in relationships. Hear how to help couples let go of resentment, how to make healthy decisions based on compassion for your partner, what couples should do after they get past the honeymoon period, how to grieve a sacrifice you’ve made in your relationship, and how to help clients come up with compromises. Here's a small sample of what you'll hear in this episode:

•  You're allowed to grieve agreements you've made
• We're all making up meaning about what we experience
• Moving into empowerment through the compromise
• Resentment in the day to day
• Is it really a power struggle or an internal issue?

Show Notes

• 255: Resentment in Relationships with Shane Birkel
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more
• [0:38] Welcome to The Couples Therapist Couch 
• [1:22] An example about moving and resentment
• [4:30] Moving into empowerment through the compromise
• [5:35] We're all making up meaning about what we experience
• [8:50] It's normal to get to a point where partners want different things
• [12:25] Making and upholding agreements has consequences
• [13:54] You're allowed to grieve agreements you've made
• [16:29] This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more
• [17:27] Resentment in the day to day
• [20:21] Owning your reality, rather than creating a right and wrong
• [23:27] The first step is just bringing up your needs
• [25:20] Is it a power struggle or an internal issue?
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00
I think there's a lot more potential for change to happen when we can look in the mirror and see the way that we're influencing the dynamic and the patterns that exist in their relationship.

00:16
to The Couples Therapist Couch, the podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now, your host, Shane Birkel.

00:32
Hey everybody. Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy. Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

01:02
Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. This week I wanted to talk about resentment and I think all of us have some level of resentment in our lives, whether it's about your relationship or whether it's about your job or whether it's about options that you wish you had. There are all kinds of things, but I think that

01:31
It comes up in relationships in some form for all of us. And it could be resentment about really big situations. It could be resentment about really small things. But it brings in this feeling that we don't have control over what's going on. Or it can often take the form of a power struggle, I think. Either my partner's going to get their way or I'm going to get my way. And it can feel really hard.

02:00
in a relationship to work through because on the one hand, you're trying to be considerate of what your partner wants, but on the other hand, you may want something completely different. So I'll start off with an example. I hope that it helps illustrate the point, but let's say that my partner wants to move to California. I want to stay on the East Coast. so we both have really strong feelings about where we want to live.

02:30
it's across the country, right? We're gonna have to come up with a compromise or we're gonna have to come up with a decision one way or the other. Are we staying on the East Coast or are we moving to the West Coast? And let's say that after a long time of talking about it and working through it, we decide to move to the West Coast, right? Now, I could agree to do that and then...

02:56
Every single day that I'm living on the West Coast, could complain about it and I could be depressed and I could say, why did you make me do this? And I would be living with resentment about the fact that I made that decision. I would feel like my partner made me do something that I didn't want to do. And I think one of the possibilities when we're feeling that way is to

03:24
feel empowered to change our perspective, right? Like if I'm going to make that decision, right? I didn't have to make that decision. There's no right or wrong, but there are consequences for the decisions that we make. But if I'm going to make that decision, I have to come to terms with the fact that this is my reality, like that this is an empowered choice that I'm making.

03:52
because there's enough good reasons for me to make this choice that I'm willing to sort of accept and come to terms with the things that I don't like about this decision. Because it's really something just within my own head, within my own self to come to terms with because on a day-to-day basis, I'm the only one suffering unless I'm...

04:19
bringing it up with my wife all the time and complaining about it and making her life miserable. But apart from that, it's just something that I'm struggling with in myself. And is there a potential for me to move into that empowerment of feeling like this is, I'm willing to make this decision. You know, I love my wife, I love my family, and there are a lot of positive things that

04:47
will happen, particularly that she's going to be happy about moving to the West Coast. And I'm willing to agree to that. Now, I still might have feelings that come up in the first year that we're living there or something like that, where I feel like I wish we still lived on the East Coast or what? It's OK to have feelings like that. But if I'm choosing to hold on to the resentment and I'm using it every time we get into an argument, I'm bringing it up and

05:14
Every time I'm feeling depressed, I'm blaming it on that. To me, there's some potential there for healing or for me to look at it as an opportunity to make a different choice about the meaning I'm making up about the situation. And that's something that I talk about a lot with the couples I work with. We are all making up meaning about situations that we're experiencing with our partner.

05:43
in life, right? So like, for example, if I'm making up the meaning that my partner made me do this and I'm being controlled, that would be different than making up the meaning in my head that this is something that's really important to my partner and I was willing to move to the West Coast because it's important to her. There's going to be a very different feeling reality that I have based on which of those two meanings I'm bringing to the situation.

06:13
And this is also related to different forms of motivation, right? Like there are a lot of people who feel like in my relationship, my partner, let's say my partner is more like a parent or a teacher and I'm like a child, right? And I'm making decisions so that I don't get into trouble. It could be that my partner wants both of us to go to bed at an earlier time, right? And I could feel like, well, if I don't go to bed at the time they want me to then.

06:40
I'm going to get, they're going to get mad at me and I'm going to get in trouble. Right? That's one meaning that I would be making up about the situation. The other way I could look at it is it's really important for my partner to get to sleep. They like it when we go to bed together and we're on the same schedule. And so I'm willing, because I have compassion for my partner and understanding for them, I'm willing to make this small sacrifice in order to make our lives better.

07:08
It's much healthier, it feels much healthier as an individual and it feels much healthier in their relationship if we are making decisions based on compassion for our partner, right? Or I don't want it to feel like I'm doing it because I'm scared of getting in trouble. And obviously the person who's making a request in the situation can do it in a respectful way, in a loving way, in a caring way.

07:35
so that it feels better for the person who's making that decision as well. But in any relationship, I think a lot of us have this sort of idealistic vision of when I meet the perfect partner, everything's going to feel smooth and everything's going to be easy. And we're both going to want to do the same things at the same time. And everything's going to just fall into place. And I think people become

08:04
fearful and anxious when you get further and further into a relationship. And sometimes that actually works out at the beginning of a relationship during the honeymoon period. There's a lot of neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin that are flowing through our brains that make it feel easy and smooth with the person we're with. for most people, that's a very temporary phase.

08:33
that eventually you settle into a more mature relationship after some period of time. And it's hard. And each person is going to want different things, and each person is going to feel misunderstood, and each person is going to wonder why in the world does my partner want to do certain things in a different way than I want to do them? And it's hard, and it's confusing. But I want to give people reassurance. That's a normal

09:03
experience to have in a relationship. There are times where relationships are not good or not healthy. Let's say there's a partner who's yelling at the other partner all the time and it's just emotionally abusive and mean and harsh. I'm not saying that you have to come to terms with that and accept that and just take it and be a doormat the rest of your relationship.

09:33
In some situations, we might actually make a choice that we don't want to be in this relationship anymore. in that situation, for example, there's a question of like, how much of my part, if my perception is that my partner's yelling at me, how much of that am I willing to accept? Like that's part of their communication style. That's part of what happens when they get triggered, you know, versus deciding that

10:03
it's just over the top and I need to set a boundary which might involve me not being in this relationship anymore. And that's okay. Or if you just take, you know, a healthy decision, for example, like let's say we've been together for three years and we're, you know, deciding whether to like make this even more of a long-term relationship and more commitment, you know, whether it's getting married or just moving in together or having more commitment.

10:32
in the relationship and we start discussing like having a baby and what you know one partner wants to have a baby and one partner really doesn't want to have a baby. That's an important conversation and both people might have a good connection and both people might be really nice people and everything else might be working out well but at the end of the day you either have a baby or you don't. There's not like a compromise.

11:02
in between there, if that makes sense. And it's going to be important for me, know, can I come to terms with giving up my, like if I'm the one who wants to have a baby and my partner's dead set on not having a baby, you know, can I come to terms with that and be okay with that? Or do we need to have a discussion about possibly ending this relationship and both of us finding a partner who's more in alignment on that topic?

11:32
So these are difficult situations and there's no right or wrong answer, but I would hate for somebody to stay in a relationship and feel that resentment for the rest of their life. Like, oh, I always really wanted a baby, but I gave it up because my partner didn't want to. Again, like it's okay if you have a moment where it's like 10 years later and you're like, gosh, I still kind of wish we had had a baby.

12:02
Like that's okay. That's a normal thing to happen. It doesn't mean that you're holding resentment about it, but I'm talking more about like being able to take a deep breath, being able to let it go, being able to remind yourself, I made this conscious choice and I didn't have to, right? The thing is like nobody has to do anything they don't want to do. But as I said before, there are just, are consequences for your actions, right?

12:31
If you are making a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship where you just have one partner, obviously you're giving up the opportunity to date other people. If the agreement between you and your partner is that we are exclusive and it's just open relationships or polyamory is a whole other conversation, that would be an agreement people could make as well.

12:58
If you are making an agreement that this is an exclusive relationship, then you have to let go. Even if you feel a connection with other people, even if you feel inclined to want to have other partners, you have to let go of that. And that doesn't mean your partner's controlling you or it doesn't mean that you're a victim of the situation. It means that you have made that agreement. And again, I want to go over this part again.

13:28
Anytime you would be willing to do something like this, it's because there's enough good in the situation that you're willing to let go and grieve. I like to use the word grieve. Like I'm willing to grieve what I'm not getting in this relationship. Right. And when people have kids, like that's a big moment where there's a lot of things that you have to grieve.

13:56
I'm no longer just a human being. Once I have kids and I'm a parent, I'm no longer just making decisions for my life about myself. There's a lot of sacrifices involved in that in order to be a good parent at least. Where I might want to go out and watch football games all day on Saturday or something, but I might have to make

14:25
different decisions. If my kids need me and my partner needs me to help with the kids and everything else, that I have to take responsibility for taking care of my kids. I caught myself there. I don't even like that phrase, my partner needs me to help with the kids, right? That's a very masculine way of describing the situation as if they're not my kids to take responsibility for in the first place. But anyway, I'm

14:55
I'm just trying to express that we have to be considerate of the fact that I'm a parent now and there are responsibilities that go along with that. That's an empowered decision that I made to be a parent and take responsibility for these kids. Right? So I might have to grieve the fact that I can't just go watch football all day, even if that's something that I want to do. Now I can create opportunities for that, but it has to be within the context of my reality.

15:24
healthy grieving, same thing with moving to the West Coast. I have to grieve the fact that I don't live on the East Coast anymore. There's a healthy grieving process that's involved with that. doesn't mean you won't ever be sad about it again. I might have sadness that comes up every now and then, and I have nostalgia, and I think about, it would be great if we lived on the East Coast. That's all fine, and that's all normal. But again, I have to...

15:53
continue to work on my mindset and the meaning that I'm making up about it, that this was an empowered choice I made because there's enough good stuff in this relationship or there's enough good stuff in the decision that I've made that I'm willing to grieve and let go of the decision that I didn't make. And I could live on the East Coast if I want to. I just might not be able to be with this

16:22
partner. I don't know, right? There's all kinds of examples we could give. Building a private practice can be challenging. Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days and access enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers.

16:52
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17:21
or click the link in the show notes to learn more. Now, a lot of times this plays out in really small day to day decisions or examples, right? Like let's say that my partner has a different standard for cleanliness around the house, right? So that I'm in a relationship and you know, the ex their expectation is that things be organized and clean and we have to, you know, clean up. Let's say they want the dishes done before we go to bed.

17:51
you know, so that when we wake up in the morning, everything's really clean and organized and whatever. And maybe I'm a person who doesn't have the same standard. Maybe I'm comfortable with just leaving the dishes until the morning and we can take care of it then. There are couples who go through 20, 30 years of their life, having these same arguments over and over again, you know, never really coming up with an agreement and both partners living with resentment about the way the other person does things.

18:21
So, you know, one of the things about this is the importance of making agreements with each other so it's clear, right? And I don't have to see it the same way, right? Like, let's say my partner, it's really important to my partner that we get the dishes done before we go to bed. If I make that agreement, it doesn't mean that I have to change how I feel about it. It doesn't mean that I have to see it the same way as my partner. It just means that I'm willing

18:50
to do it the way they want to do it because I know it'll make life easier overall, right? So I could make the agreement and the other partner in that example should be really grateful. The partner's willing to do the dishes before they go to bed at night. And that's something that I think is important. If your partner is willing to compromise and do things the way that you want and

19:21
fulfill the request that you're making, there should be a lot of gratitude around that. Because one thing I've seen with couples sometimes is that the partner who wants to do the dishes before you go to bed, let's say, they approach it from a right and wrong standpoint. The right way of maintaining a clean house is making sure you

19:46
get the dishes done before you go to bed and what's wrong with you that you don't see it the same way. You're just a dirty slob and if you don't want to do the dishes before you go to bed, that means that you're wrong. Right? So that's not a very kind or helpful way of approaching the conversation. I've talked about this a lot before, but I think it's always good to hear again. It's always helpful to sort of come from owning your reality and expressing it from the first person and saying,

20:15
you know, getting the dishes done before we go to bed is important to me. Can we make an agreement about that situation? And I can have a lot of compassion if my partner sees it differently than I do. And I can have a lot of gratitude if they're willing to work with me on doing it more the way that I want to do it. So this is really important. And the other thing is that let's say I make an agreement to do the dishes before.

20:42
we go to bed and let's say I'm miserable, right? Let's say that this aspect of our life is really bothering me. I always have that you can always renegotiate the agreements. You can always come back to it. If there's something that you do feel like you're holding resentment about in your relationship, it's probably something you need to talk about with your partner. Now that doesn't mean they're going to change anything, but it's a very different conversation like.

21:10
To go back to the East Coast, West Coast thing, let's say we moved to the West Coast. We've lived there for two years and I'm just not happy. One option would be that I just make passive aggressive comments all the time. just sort of like, you know, continue to make up the meaning that my partner made me do this. I have resentment. I'm just like fueling my depression and by thinking how terrible the situation is.

21:38
A different option would be, I'm going to try to make the best of this, but I want to have a healthy conversation with my partner about my perspective. So I'm speaking from the first person and I'm letting them know, listen, I'm really glad we moved to the West Coast. I was happy to make that decision because it was important to you. I'm so happy to see you feeling good in your life and enjoying this situation.

22:07
I just want to let you know that I'm really unhappy in these ways and I'd like to talk about it. And my mind keeps going to this idea that, you know, maybe we should move back to the East coast. And I'm not saying that, you know, we have to make that decision today, but I just really like to talk it through and feel some understanding about my perspective, right? That would, that would be a healthy way of approaching the conversation. And there are couples who

22:35
you know, go through their whole relationship for 50 years and they argue back and forth about this, the exact same topic all the time. And some of that's okay, right? Like that's maybe that's healthy conflict. Like, you know, people have different personalities, people have different wants and needs and their relationship. And if you're not getting what you want, like it doesn't mean that there's anything fundamentally wrong.

23:01
But there's a choice. There's always a choice. Am I going to move into acceptance, which is part of the grieving process? Am I going to accept what I'm not getting? Am I going to keep moving into gratitude about the good things in this relationship and the things that make me happy and the reasons why I continue to stay in this relationship and try to let go of what I'm not getting? Or are there certain things that I'm not getting?

23:31
that I need to keep bringing up with my partner, right? And giving them feedback and letting them know how I feel. Because that's important too. And I know there are a lot of people out there who are conflict avoiders and they just sort of hold it in and never say anything about what they're not happy about. And again, goal initially, the first step is not about changing the situation. It's more about

23:59
letting your partner know how you feel, giving them feedback about what you think would be better. And I think it's really great when couples can come up with creative ideas, like to address these things, like try to make compromises, right? Like, can we make it so that three times a week we wash the dishes before we go to bed and then three times a week we wait until the next morning? You know, whatever the situation,

24:29
Right? Or like, you know, if I really want to get a cat and my partner really doesn't, but they really want to move to the West Coast, you know, can we come up with some sort of compromise where, all right, I'm willing to move to the West Coast if you allow me to get a cat. Right. And we can come up with some sort of compromise to make us both feel better about the situation. So there's all kinds of ways to be creative. A lot of times people feel stuck.

24:58
It turns into a power struggle, like either I'm gonna get my way or you're gonna get your way. I think these are things for us to explore within ourselves. Like if I'm not getting what I want from my wife in the relationship and I'm continuing to feel like if my partner doesn't do these things for me, then I can't be happy, that's my issue.

25:26
You know, I talked about co-dependence a few weeks ago. That would be sort of a co-dependent mindset of I'm waiting for my partner to do certain things in order for me to be happy. I need to bring that back to myself. I need to look at this as my own personal growth, my own individual work, right? That if there are things that I'm not happy about, am I actively trying to make changes if there's potential for that? Or am I working on like identifying like

25:56
A lot of us are repeating patterns from our childhood and we don't even realize it. If you think about that dynamic where I feel like my partner's a parent and I'm a child, and if I do things wrong, I'm going to get in trouble. That's a mindset that comes from someone's childhood. The more you can become conscious of those things, the more you can become free of them. To be able to change the meaning that you're making, think...

26:23
It's really helpful if you can understand your own psychology and your own, like how did my upbringing influence who I became as a person? How does it influence the limiting beliefs that I might have or the meaning that I'm making up about these situations? And is there a potential for me to shift my mindset about it instead of continuing to ask my partner to do things to change? How can I look at myself and the way I'm bringing myself into the situation? And the crazy thing is,

26:53
And this is wonderful truth is that the more that I become accepting of my partner and the things that they're doing, typically what happens is the more the other partner begins to be willing to like be generous with what you want. Right. So it often feels like, I need to argue and fight and make passive aggressive comments and tell my partner they're doing things wrong.

27:21
And that's how I'm going to create change. But really, I see the most change for people when they begin to accept, you know, some of the things that they're not getting in their relationship, and they bring and they can bring it up. If there are still things they bring it up in a respectful way and an empowered way. I think there's a lot more potential for change to happen when we can look in the mirror and see the way that we're influencing the dynamic and the patterns.

27:50
that exist in their relationship. I hope this was helpful. I hope you have some good ideas that you can apply to help your relationships or help the couples you're working with. And I will see you next time. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates. Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP

28:20
or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. And thank you again, everybody. This is Shane Birkel and this is The Couples Therapist Couch podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy. I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everybody!