241: 'Til Stress Do Us Part with Elizabeth Earnshaw

Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch! This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

In this episode, Shane talks with Elizabeth Earnshaw about the themes from her new book, ‘Til Stress Do Us Part. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots, and watch it on YouTube – follow and leave a 5-star review.

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The Couples Therapist Couch 241: 'Til Stress Do Us Part with Elizabeth Earnshaw

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more

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In this episode, Shane talks with Elizabeth Earnshaw about the themes from her new book, ‘Til Stress Do Us Part. Elizabeth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Clinical Fellow of The American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy. She also founded A Better Life Therapy, where she sees couples in her tailored weekend intensives. Over the past 15 years, she’s become one of today’s most trusted relationship teachers. Hear why couples fight when they love each other, how to help clients manage stress, how to get them to be more compassionate towards each other, the most common stressors as parents, and how to help your clients internalize concepts with metaphors, analogies, and pictures. Here’s a small sample of what you will hear in this episode:

• Tools for navigating stress's role in your client's relationships
• Teaching people to coregulate with each other
• Using metaphor to help clients see relationships differently 
• Bringing clients' unconscious expectations to light
• Elizabeth's thoughts on influencer and social media impact on couples expectations 

To learn more about Elizabeth Earnshaw, A Better Life Therapy, and ‘Til Stress Do Us Part, visit:

ElizabethEarnshaw.com

ABetterLifeTherapy.com

‘Til Stress Do Us Part

Instagram @LizListens

Check out the episode, show notes, and transcript below:

Show Notes

• 241: 'Til Stress Do Us Part with Elizabeth Earnshaw
• This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more
• [0:59] Welcome to The Couples Therapist Couch
• [1:17] Welcome, Elizabeth Earnshaw!
• [2:40] How long has Elizabeth been active on Instagram
• [3:15] Understanding the context in her book 'Til Stress Do Us Part
•  [5:55] Working with couples when stress is the main issue in their relationship
• [9:21] How are couples supposed to navigate stress when there are kids, full-time jobs, and financial realities?
• [13:53] Using the opportunities to react differently to stress and collaborate through the issues
• [16:00] Teaching people to coregulate with each other
• [17:41] Rejecting pressure to bridge the gap or power through
• [20:48] This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more
• [21:46] Elizabeth's thoughts on influencer and social media impact on couples expectation 
• [25:31] Bringing these unconscious expectations to light
• [30:05] Figuring out how to create the time to slow down 
• [31:15] What is The Couples Therapy Flip Chart?
• [33:50] Using metaphor to help clients see relationships differently 
• [36:11] Connect with Elizabeth Earnshaw 
• [36:48] Who is I Want This to Work written for?
• [37:48] This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more

 

What is The Couples Therapist Couch?

This podcast is about the practice of Couples Therapy. Many of the episodes are interviews with leaders in the field of Relationships. The show is meant to help Therapists and Coaches learn how to help people to deepen their connection, but in the process it explores what is most needed for each of us to love, heal, and grow. Each week, Shane Birkel interviews an expert in the field of Couples Therapy to explore all about the world of relationships and how to be an amazing therapist.

Learn more about the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/

Find out more about the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new

Transcript

Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.

00:00

And when you can actually sit down with people and talk to them about like, what are the gaps? What do you think the reality is of what you can do right now or offer?  And then like, where do wish you were?

 

00:16

to The Couples Therapist Couch, the podcast for couples therapists, marriage counselors, and relationship coaches to explore the practice of couples therapy. And now,  your host,  Shane Birkel.

 

00:32

Hey everybody. Welcome back to The Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel, and this is the podcast that's all about the practice of couples therapy.  Thank you so much for tuning in. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the goal of this podcast is to help you learn how to more effectively work with couples and possibly even learn how to have a better relationship. The episode this week is brought to you by Alma. They make it easy to get credentialed with major insurance plans at enhanced reimbursement rates.

 

01:01

Alma handles all of the paperwork and guarantees payment within two weeks. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP or click on the link in the show notes to learn more. everyone, welcome back to the Couples Therapist Couch. This is Shane Birkel and today I'm speaking with Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, Gottman therapist and author of 'Til Stress Do Us Part. I Want This to Work and the Couples Therapy Flipchart. Hey Liz, welcome to the show. Hi, thanks for having me.

 

01:31

Yeah, I'm so excited to talk to you. almost I almost said I wanted to say till death do us part, but it's still my next. Yeah, there we go. But yeah, I'm so excited to have you on. Why don't you tell everyone a little bit more about yourself? Yeah, sure. So as you mentioned, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I've been seeing couples for like over 15 years now. I think the primary work I do is relational work. I'm a certified Gottman therapist.

 

01:57

And I run a practice that is in the Philadelphia, New Jersey area. have six different locations called a Better Life Therapy.  And as you mentioned, I've written a couple books, two of them are for couples.  And then one of them is to help clinicians learn to utilize different tools with their couples. Yeah, that's great. And it was great. We got to meet each other not that long ago at the Networker Symposium in DC where you were presenting.

 

02:25

And I felt like I knew you already because you have such a great Instagram account. And yeah, how long have you been doing that? I just looked it up before we came on here. So I could say you have 263,000 followers on Instagram talking about relationships and things like that. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? I've been doing it since 2018. So I started it a while ago.

 

02:53

Yeah, it's interesting how it's Instagram itself and all of social media has kind of evolved over time. That's really cool. I'm interested to hear more about the books that you've read. I don't know if you want to talk about the most recent one first or the first one that you wrote first. Yeah, sure. So do you want to talk? Til Stresto's part is the most recent one that I've written. Yeah, sure. And the other one I want this to work, I would say, is more like a general guide to relationship skills.

 

03:22

But till stress do us part, I wrote it because  I was noticing in my own marriage,  we were fighting a lot and it didn't really make sense to me because I have all the skills. I'm a couples therapist as is probably everyone listening to this podcast right now. And they probably also relate to like, why can't I use the skills that I teach people to use in the room?

 

03:47

And  I kind of started looking it up. I joke in my book that I Googled, like, why do I hate my husband so  much? I'm like, why can't I figure out how to communicate with them,  even though I love them so much?  And I kind of started this journey of really thinking about the fact that  even though my husband and I are really good communicators on a good day, and even though I know all of this stuff, that when you have too much going on,

 

04:14

when you're overwhelmed, when your nervous system is stressed out,  you're not going to be a good communicator.  And I remember I spent a lot of my maternity leave looking up like, so what do do about this? And then this kind of  overlapped my training in Gottman therapy where there was a lot of talk about flooding and monitoring like what's happening to people's heart rates in the room.  I just...

 

04:41

really over the last several years, most of the couples that I work with,  are,  you know, dual income, very busy, have kids. And something that I've realized is so important is it's almost like all I focus on at first  is,  you managing stress like outside of here and inside of here? Well,  and that's really what the book is about is how do people help themselves to navigate that with each other?

 

05:08

and blame the stress instead of just pointing their fingers at each other. Yeah, I love that concept because  it helps people move into compassion for themselves, for their partner,  and  externalize the issues that they're having. Because that's so true, right? Like when people are struggling, I mean, I can relate even with my own wife, with my own relationship. Like, you know, it's easy to start thinking like,

 

05:35

or either like getting down on myself, like what I keep messing this up, why do I do this wrong or feeling like why does she keep doing these things?  And so I love that approach that you're taking of,  know, just starting with kind of normalizing. Of course, you're overwhelmed because there's so much stress going on here. Yeah, absolutely. And I work with so many people. Of course, I have couples who come in and they had a bad start. It was

 

06:01

never great, they never communicated well, they've always kind of had a tough time. They work with many, many couples though, who they come in and otherwise, they have pretty good communication skills, like they hold down jobs before something stressful happened to them, maybe like a move or a new job or a child, or death in the family, like before any of that, they pretty much got along pretty well.  And then they come in and they maybe somewhat identify like,

 

06:29

how much they've got going on or how hard it is, but I think that it's really hard for them to step back and say, maybe this is actually contributing to why we are arguing so much or on the other end, why we're completely distant from each other and withdrawn.  And like, what would change if we learned how to actually navigate this  stress or this thing that happened that caused us a lot of distress  together, instead of saying like,

 

06:57

Oh, my partner's so withdrawn. They  don't care about anybody. They don't care about the kids. They don't care about  what I'm going through or the other partner being like, well, they're such an, you know, all the things we hear. They're such a nag. They're always like anxious and this and this and that. And so something that I spend a lot of time with my couples,  if this is an issue, and I don't like to  say stress is the cause of all issues in relationships, but when I'm meeting with couples where this is an issue,

 

07:26

I think it's really important to say, let's step back and look  at all of the contributing factors and kind of narrative therapy, right? Like let's externalize a little bit. What has caused some of this breakdown? Like when, if we're doing narrative therapy, like when the stress comes to visit you,  what do you become then? And it's like, well, I become withdrawn when that happens. Okay, so then what do we do about that? So.

 

07:53

It's a big topic in my sessions with couples.  Yeah, and I feel like there's a huge opportunity because for whatever reason I feel like as human beings we bring meaning to what's happening to the situation and what I hear you saying it's almost like an opportunity to take a step back and create new meaning and hopefully for the couple to create that meaning together  so  they can see it in a much less triggered way perhaps.

 

08:22

For sure, I find that when we can have a conversation this way, but often the couple is able, like they can kind of become allies against this enemy. like, oh yeah, it's not, you're right. It isn't just my partner. It's that like, you know, the job really sucks. Like it's this outside thing and I don't want it to be overly externalized where then, you know, they get fired from their job because of blaming everything on the job. But.

 

08:50

they suddenly have this moment where they're able to say, was a really hard time. We both didn't know what we were doing when it happened, or we both don't know what we're doing right now in a way.  And like,  let's collaborate on this instead of being combative over it or completely separated and isolated from each other. Yeah, that's great. You're sort of getting into it a little bit already, but I'm curious because I'm imagining

 

09:18

when you start to talk to couples about this, they're still going to be like, well, we still have a couple of kids and we both have full time jobs and we still have all these stressors. How are we supposed to, know, what are the things that, you know, we can do to help even though we still have all these stressors? Yeah. So that is like how everybody feels, right? You know,  I completely understand it because if somebody said,

 

09:43

Okay, it's you guys against the stress. And we'd be like, yeah, so what do we do with it though? It's still really, really bad. How do we navigate it? What we then explore is first of all, let's navigate your response, how you respond to stress in general. Like, let's just accept that that's the reality right now. I'm very like, reality based with my clients. Like, yeah, it is the reality. You're going to have these kids in your house for like, at least another 18 years.

 

10:11

unless one of you wants to quit your job, you're both working, right now you're paying off debt, the debt exists, unless you win the lottery, it's gonna be there. And so I validate that that's real.  And then I say, so we need to do two things. The one thing we need to do in this room is practice what are your responses to that stress and then how does that impact how you respond to each other? And  so  in session, when they're talking about uncomfortable topics, upsetting topics,

 

10:39

and they become dysregulated a lot. I'm not trying to find resolution with them often.  What I'm trying to help them to do is be able to stay like grounded and present with each other and kind and empathetic and have all these relational skills  so they can get through the conversation. So we do a lot of,  know, like, let's pause. How are you feeling in your body right now? Are you able to take some breaths?

 

11:03

So you can come back and actually hear what your partner has to say. Do we need to take a break? Like, what can we do in here to number one, help each person notice what happens in their body when they start to become that version of themselves they don't want to be, activated, withdrawn, whatever.  And then like, can I help them to learn what they could do instead so that in the therapy room, they're experiencing what it feels like to actually get through that. And the second thing I'm working on them with

 

11:33

is identifying like what are all the stressors?  And yes, there are some stressors you just have to adapt to, like your kids are gonna be your kids.  But are there certain things that maybe you need to shed from your life? There's a lot of couples that I work with where it might be hard for them to admit, but there are things  where they could change the level of their stress significantly if they would just admit to themselves that they're carrying things they don't actually have to.

 

12:02

And are there certain stressors that yes, you have to carry, but with some prevention, it wouldn't be so bad.  So every month you come in, you're very stressed. You can't pay your therapy bill because you forgot to switch money into the account. It's the first of the month. All the money got taken out.  Like that maybe could have been prevented if you would sit down and look at like, what are the bills going to be over the next month? Every morning you get in this huge fight because you can't get your kids out the door for school.

 

12:31

Is there anything that could have been done differently the day before so that the morning isn't chaotic where you don't know where any of the pants are in the house for the kids to get dressed. So we're doing two things. One in the room, how do we navigate what's happening to our bodies? And two, how do we actually look at what are you carrying and what's the reality of, do you have to adapt? Can you prevent, can you get rid of some of it? I love that.

 

12:56

There's multiple layers. mean,  one is the tangible reality,  like you said, like, are there ways we can make a plan for these situations to help us feel less stress, you know, more of a logistical sort of approach to the problem. But then there's also the emotional things that you described as far as helping, like you said, like people can't.

 

13:22

change the fact that they have two kids, if  they're committed to being a parent of two kids,  that's going to be a reality in their life. But maybe they can change their perception. Maybe they can change their emotional, or give themselves more compassion for the emotions that come  up, slow down with that. There might be a lot more choice about how am I,  or in especially conversations with my partner, what choices am I making?

 

13:48

in those moments when I'm feeling all that stress and overwhelm come over me,  maybe there's an opportunity there to  change. Exactly.  So if it's one of, we'll use the same example again, just to be consistent.  If  you have these two kids, your parents are committed to being their parents.  But the reality is, is that that means that there is a lifetime of temper tantrums and  to varying  degrees of severity.

 

14:16

hurt feelings, wants, needs, bedtimes, baths, dirty clothes. How do you adapt to that? And so that's the word I use with my couples. Like, this is hard. You weren't a parent before you became a parent, or you weren't a cancer survivor before you became a cancer survivor, like whatever it is. And like the reality is, is that this is here now. So how do you adapt as a unit?

 

14:43

instead of learning how to adapt or maladapt as individuals  in a way where you're just making it worse for each other. And so like you said, a lot of that is talking to people about, you know,  in adapting, can you learn to be more compassionate toward each other? You're natural maladaptive. And I don't use that word with them. I'm not like you're maladaptive or anything, but  you know, your natural response might be when I'm upset, when I'm hurt, when I'm overwhelmed, I just need to be by myself.

 

15:13

And that maybe worked for you when you were by yourself. But now you have this kind of life together where there's a lot of responsibilities and challenges.  And now you have to adapt into something else.  And the thing that's going to be adaptive for the two of you  is to be able to have compassion and to be able to say,  I can see this is a lot for you too. And that when it's a lot for you, you get really overwhelmed and you get shut down. And I know you want to just go be by yourself for a little bit.

 

15:42

I can't have you do that for two days straight, but do you want to kind of go have that time for a minute? Or I know you want to solve the problems and you want to talk to me about what we're going to do to solve the problems. That's overwhelming to me,  but I want to adapt with you and I want to be there for you and the thing that you need. And then also just teaching people, how do you learn just to co-regulate with each other? Like if your partner comes in the door and they're upset and then you get upset too, immediately.

 

16:08

the two of you are just escalating each other. And so I talk a lot about some adaptation is really just learning how not to escalate each other, make the choice of I can see this person is distressed right now. So I am going to choose to calm my own body down so I don't have to one up their distress. And then we just go back and forth. So the compassion, being able...

 

16:34

to co-regulate with each other, being able to accept reality. Like this is what it is, it's not changing. There's not gonna be a week where this is gone, it just is here. Yeah, and I love,  and maybe I'm using my own words so you can tell me,  you but I'm taking- Use your own words.  I'm taking something that you said, you know, about helping them move into reality. And the way that I  see it, and again, maybe I just took this from what you just said.

 

17:00

Also, but like I think we get a message from society that's sort of like, let's just pull yourself up by your bootstraps  or let's just hustle more or let's just power through it or something like that. And I think that a lot of times people are sort of avoiding the, you know, like, like, like you, the example you gave, if somebody really needs time alone or space for themselves,  it's sort of like, well, I have kids, I'm working full time, I'm just not going to get that. And I'm just going to power through and

 

17:28

The way that you're talking about it, it's sort of like this feeling of like you're allowed to be who you like. Let's acknowledge who each of you are as human beings and like let's be truthful about the things that you need. And sure, part of that truth is a lot of limitations. You you might not be able to take two full days by yourself, but let's figure out how to work together and both give each other more of what we need. Yeah. In the book, I talk about this

 

17:58

pressure people feel to bridge the gap. And it's exactly what you just said, which is society is kind of telling us like,  you should be able to be,  I'm just going to use myself as an example. Like you should be able to be a mom  and you should also be able to be like a boss lady.  And you should also be able to be like the PTO president and your house should also be interior decorated. Like all of the IG accounts have it.

 

18:26

And you should also work out and do Pilates and be a Peloton rider and like post about it. You should be able to do all of these things, right?  And you should just power through, but that doesn't match the reality. The reality is, is that we have 24 hours in a day. have limited resources of time, energy, emotional energy, money, all of those types of things. And so we're constantly in the couples that we see, they're constantly feeling like they need to bridge the gap between

 

18:54

where they are in reality and what they think society wants them to be. And so they're pushing themselves constantly to do that. And it's almost like not even talked about. They're just like living this way and they're kind of run by this motor.  And when you can actually sit down with people and talk to them about like, what are the gaps? What's the, what do you think the reality is  of what you can do right now or offer? And then like, where do wish you were? And you will have people say,

 

19:22

All of my friends, they work out every single day, like when I'm working with moms.  And like all I can do is like go to work, get my kids and like, after that, I just need to get in bed. So how are all these people doing that? And in therapy we'll talk about like, well, is that the reality? Like is the reality there? They're probably something is suffering elsewhere. So I'm not saying your friend isn't working out five days a week, maybe they are,  but maybe they're not.

 

19:50

working as many hours as you, or maybe they spend less time with their kids, or maybe like whatever it is, like, or they're overwhelmed and they hate their lives because they're bridging this gap. But let's talk about now, what are you and your partner  doing to bridge that gap and how is it impacting you?  And they'll talk to each other about the fact that they're spending way too much money to bridge the gap. They're spending too much time to bridge the gap. They're just  miserable because of it. You know, it might be like,

 

20:19

Well, we think we're supposed to do all of these things. And because of that, we spend all of this money on, you know, getting our house redone, but actually like, did we really want to do that? Like now, now we have to take all more hours at work and we're miserable. And, and so what would it have been like to actually do what the reality said instead of overusing your resources to do what you think you needed to bridge to. Building a private practice can be challenging.

 

20:49

Filing all of the right paperwork is time consuming and tedious. And even after you're done, it can take months to get credentialed and start seeing clients. That's why Alma makes it easy and financially rewarding to accept insurance. When you join Alma, you can get credentialed within 45 days and access enhanced reimbursement rates with major payers. They also handle all of the paperwork from eligibility checks to claim submissions and guarantee payment within two weeks of each appointment.

 

21:17

Plus when you join Alma, you'll get access to time-saving tools for intakes, scheduling, treatment plans, progress notes, and more in their included platform. Alma helps you spend less time on administrative work and more time offering great care to your clients. Visit helloalma.com backslash A-T-P-P or click the link in the show notes to learn more. What are your thoughts on?

 

21:42

the way that society influences people's perceptions  on that kind of thing, or the media or social media influences people to feel like they need to be something or keep up with everybody else? I think there's so many influences. So  the most obvious is the influencers.  So  there is influence from social media.

 

22:07

And I think even if we say we're not influenced by it, we are. Like even people who are like, I'm not a social media person, I'm not influenced.  In my therapy room though, they'll still say things that I can tell we're influenced, right? Like somehow,  you know, they'll be like in this argument because they can't use a certain type of detergent because it's going to give their kid cancer. And like the partner will be like, what are you talking about?

 

22:32

Where did you even read that? And they're like, well, I saw it on a social media post. And like they're spiraling and having this huge argument because it's something they saw on a social media post, which could be correct or not correct, but it's now become this huge stressor to the two of them.  And so people are really influenced by what social media is telling them about health. Again, some of it is positive. In some ways we're learning things we needed to learn or not learn, but what social media is  telling us about health.

 

23:00

about relationships. You know, I have people come in that say,  I read that like, we're not supposed to do this or like they're gaslighting me or whatever it is. And I'm like, that's not, that's not gaslighting. You guys just in a disagreement.  People are influenced by what they're supposed to look like, how they're supposed to parent, how much money they should have, what their health should look like.  And  even when they feel consciously as if

 

23:28

Like I know that's just a house on an Instagram account and it probably doesn't really look like that. They almost can't stop themselves then the next day from saying, oh my God, my house is like, I can't even have people over. It doesn't look as good and I don't like it I want to spend more money to fix it. But people are also influenced by the way in which gender roles were displayed to them growing up. So a lot of that gap stuff.

 

23:55

often has to do with some internalized view of like what they think they should be often based on gender, right? So like a common con internal conflict for women might be, well, I know I work 40 hours a week and I have kids and so, and I don't have as much time as maybe my stay at home mom did, but the internalized view I have of a mother is somebody that like picks up the kids every day from school, makes a snack.

 

24:26

helps them with homework, plays with them. And so to bridge who I actually am right now, which is somebody who has to work 40 hours a week  with the internalized view of who my mother was,  what I'm doing is I'm leaving work at 2 p.m. I'm picking my kid up. I'm doing all of the after school stuff. And then I'm getting back on my computer at 9 p.m.  And I'm exhausted. I'm resentful. I'm angry. And I don't feel good about my parenting. And I don't feel good about my working.

 

24:54

but I'm just going to keep trying to be both of these things. And there's like often not a lot of sitting back and saying like, but does one of those pieces have to be altered and some like,  maybe you can't be that internalized view of your mom, or maybe you can't be the internalized view of what it means to be an employee right now. Like, what is that like for you to hear that? And we  often have that conversation in couples therapy. I think all of us,

 

25:24

in some ways are unconscious of the ways that we've been influenced either by our parents or our culture  or  social media.  And so  I imagine that a hugely important thing that you're doing in those sessions is just bringing these things to consciousness.  I  might think consciously like,  oh, money isn't important to me, but I'm still stressing to pay the bills every month and I'm still like, that's still there's some

 

25:54

There's something that I'm not even conscious of that's like driving this stress or, you know, these feelings that are probably not presenting in a healthy way for my family or something like that.  Absolutely. A common one for men, because I feel like men never get any love.  I gave those female example, but  something No, no, those are great examples. Yeah, but like a common one for men that comes up and causes a lot of stress, a lot of the men, and you made me think of this.

 

26:24

with like the conscious versus unconscious, right? Like a lot of the men I work with  in sessions with couples,  they will say, I'm not bothered by the fact that my partner makes more money than me because most millennials  that I work with, the woman makes more money than the man.  And most of my clients are millennials. And so, you know, they will say, I don't mind that. actually...

 

26:49

proud of my wife, I love her. And they consciously do. That's like a conscious belief that they have is like, I don't care. Like I'm fine. I'm so proud of her. I'm glad that she's  successful and  all of that. But then they don't really have an opportunity to talk about the internal distress they feel that there is an internalized sense of like, but I'm failing actually. Because even though  on the outside, I really believe in it.

 

27:18

equity and like what my wife to succeed and it shouldn't be about me making more money.  Internally, I really am caught on to this idea that I should not, even though I should believe it's okay, I should not actually let that happen.  And  I'm a failure and I'm not taking care of my family because I have let it happen.  And so there's like all of this stress around that internal experience, which they don't feel like they can express.  And so there's a lot of

 

27:48

bridging the gap with that too. There's a lot of like, well, like I wanna be supportive of you. So I'm doing that, but I also am embarrassed. And like, so I'm trying to deal with these feelings, but not tell anybody I have these feelings.  And  when we're navigating the way that that stress shows up,  it is so helpful to just finally put words to that  and to get their partner to be able to hear it and not have their partner be like, well, see, I knew,  I knew.

 

28:16

that you were bothered by it. I knew that you don't actually want me to be successful,  but instead to be like, no, no, no, the reality is just there is a self that is really proud of you and your husband or your partner, but there is also a part of your partner that feels like he's letting you down. And like those are both okay to talk about, but if we don't talk about them, there's a lot of distress. Nobody's talking about it.

 

28:43

And it's coming out and it's coming out as withdrawing from you or not feeling maybe you're feeling that he's kind of lackluster when you get a promotion or whatever it is.  And so, yeah, that's an example of kind of that like tension. Yeah. And I feel like there could be like a perfect storm, you know, where, know, when, we're a bit younger and, know, we're working full time,  we don't have any kids yet. Let's say we just started dating.

 

29:13

then we have time for ourselves. We don't have as many financial burdens. We have time for our relationship, right? And I feel like the perfect storm happens when all of a sudden, now there's kids to take care of. Now all these unconscious things that I didn't even know were there are starting to show up. Now the financial pressures are getting to be more. And just when I probably need to slow down and be more conscious, all of a sudden I don't have any time to do it.

 

29:42

and I'm just like caught up in the rat race or  swept  up  in the river. And that's really difficult. I love  everything you're saying is about the importance of, even though you don't feel like you have any time,  your life will be so much better if you actually just do take that time to slow down and take a look at these things. Yes. Yeah. And  it feels counterintuitive because you don't have the time.

 

30:11

but let's figure out how to push that in, even if it means something else has to fall to the wayside for a little bit.  that, because like you, especially parenting is the perfect storm. Like money,  what do you feel about the way your parents parented you? And now you're parenting gender roles, like  all of that on sleep deprivation  is happening at the same time. It's a lot. You're probably maybe having less sex and you're not going on dates anymore.

 

30:38

So it's a lot that parenting and illness and death are the three things that couples really struggle to navigate stress around.  When those three things, any of those three things happen, hopefully not altogether,  it brings up a lot of other stuff  and  there's the stress coupled with it. So people struggle to be there for each other. This is great. This is.

 

31:05

Been a great conversation so far. I did want to take a few minutes to talk about the couples therapy flip chart. I'm curious what that is and who that would be helpful for. Yeah. So PESI  creates flip charts that are for specific therapy modalities. I don't know if you've ever seen any of the other flip charts.  haven't. They're actually pretty cool. So there's like a DBT flip chart. There's a CBT flip chart. There's like a trauma flip chart. And mine is the couples therapy flip chart.

 

31:34

They're really interesting because they are charts where on one side your couple can see an image and then on the other, the back of that, it actually gives you all the information that you could share with your couple about the concept. And then it gives you ideas for how you could use that in the therapy room. So for example, if you wanted to talk to your couple about different types of intimacy, one side shows an intimacy wheel and you would be able to hold it up and

 

32:03

This might be a couple where like they only think intimacy is sex and you want to be like, no, look, I want to show you an illustration of something. These are all of the types of ways that you can feel close to each other.  Let's look at these together and look at how is each area being taken care of in your relationship.  And you could do that exercise with them while actually giving them a visual representation.  But on the other side, if you are a newer therapist, it will tell you exactly what to say because

 

32:32

You might be like, oh my gosh, I want to do this, but I'm  going to forget what each type of intimacy is.  And it'll give you ideas of how to use it. If you're a seasoned therapist, it's nice because you just have these images. And then on top of it, you can write on them with dry erase markers. So a lot of the exercises in the flip chart are things you would give the couple to do  in session. For example, you might ask them to take the intimacy wheel and rate each area.

 

32:59

a certain number and they like write on the chart, they can take a picture of it so they can take it home.  But yeah, it's pretty cool. I actually sincerely use it  in my office.  And to be frank, I wasn't sure if  I was like, these are exercises I like, but I don't know if I'm actually going to use this.  And ever since  it's been published and I have it in my office, I'm always like, oh, let me show you. I can actually show you  an image of what I'm talking about right now. And couples like that, they like to learn about it, not just through hearing.

 

33:29

Yeah, yeah, that's great. mean, I think that, you know,  in some  therapy circles, there's this idea that if we just help the couple, you know, be more conscious, be more compassionate with each other, slow down, that then they'll automatically start feeling more connected and have a better relationship. And I think that's probably true. But what I have found is that like the education around like

 

33:58

what healthy communication looks like,  what respecting each other looks like,  what  is intimacy.  The education around those types of things are so helpful to not just help them slow down and listen to each other, but then to teach them, here's some things to incorporate to have a healthy relationship. It's like when you use analogies or metaphors in session and  suddenly,

 

34:26

something that's been  so obvious to you about that couple or the client.  You use this analogy and  the couple or the client says, oh my gosh, I've never thought of it that way.  And like so much changes for them. They go home and they start seeing that metaphor everywhere. And because of that awareness, they can start to change.  I think this is similar where it's...

 

34:49

when you give psychoeducation and you don't wanna just give psychoeducation, like you said, if that's all you're doing and they're not having these experiences of doing the work, being compassionate and all of those things, it's not gonna change anything.  But when they have new words, new concepts, images of something,  they then can start to conceptualize their world differently. It might even be duh. Like they might be like, oh yeah, duh. Of course, criticism isn't good.

 

35:18

But now that they know that criticism is a part of the Four Horsemen, it's like in their back pocket now. They go home and they can think of this image in their head and say, okay, that's the one thing I want to avoid out of four things that I want to avoid.  Or now that they know there's a wheel of intimacy, even though they really were looking forward to having sex, when they see their partner come in the door and say, hey, I love you so much. Do you want to go on a walk together? It's not that it replaces the sex.

 

35:47

But they're able to go, okay, that's actually another version of trying to connect with me. So I can accept that that's experiential intimacy.  So psycho ed images, vocabulary, all of that helps people just to see relationships differently. Yeah, that's great. And I want people to be able to find you, mention your website and your Instagram and whatever, and whatever else you want to mention. Sure. So if you want to find me on Instagram, it's @LizListens My website is ElizabethEarnshaw.com.

 

36:17

And  my practice is a better life therapy.com. And then as you mentioned earlier, the books are, want this to work until stress to us part.  And then the clinicians tool is the couples therapy flip chart. And you can find those, all three of those anywhere books are sold. That's great. And I know we got into the, uh, till stress to us part a lot and, and the flip chart.  Um, just one more time, who would, who would the,  uh, I want this to work book be really good for?

 

36:47

Yeah, so I Want This to Work  is a book that's written for  couples or singles, I think also therapists benefit. And  it's really like an overview of all of the really important  relationship skills and tools that a couple would need to build over their lifetime.  And so you can read it cover to cover or the couple can open up and read about  important conflict resolution skills, like how do we compromise?

 

37:15

How do we self soothe? How  do we build meaning in our lives? so it has a lot of different client, not real client stories, but illustrations of what couples might experience in their life.  And then tips on how to do that in your own life. Okay, great, great. And I'll put links to those things in the show notes so people can find you. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you, Liz. It was great talking to you and hopefully we can catch up again at some point in the future.

 

37:45

I would love that. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Take care.

 

38:11

the podcast. It's all about the practice of couples therapy.  I hope you have a great week and we'll see you next time.  Bye everybody.